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IIST PRESS: 



MINSTEEL LIFE 




Uniform with " Show Life. A series of Burnt Cokk Sketch- 
ES, abounding with humor and replete with happy -happenings, 
laughable scrapes and practical jokes. 



Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1873. by Chaki.es H. Day and Samuel Booth, in the Office of tho 

Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 




NOTE No. 4792-THE TREASURER'S STORY. 



IT was in the raw, chill Spring time, just before the tent shows took 
the road, at the time when fortunate advance agents and per- 
formers were "fixed" for the coming season. The speaker, the 
treasurer of a famous caravan, had in his hand a fresh, damp copy of a 
morning paper. He had just been reading the graphic account of a 
murder trial, and, as he dropped the sheet on his knee, he remarked to 
-a group of professional people sitting about him : 

"A strong case against him, but I never could assist in the con- 
eviction of a person on circumstantial evidence alone, no matter how 
apparently indisputable were the circumstances pointing out the guilty. 

" It makes me shudder at the thought of an innocent person suffer- 
ing the ignominy and torture of confinement. How many such are 
even now incarcerated who are as well entitled to breathe Heaven's 
pure air as ourselves ? It was years ago, boys, when I was a little 
livelier with my digits than I am now ; and when I think I could have 
rivaled Ben. Lusbie, the lightning manipulator of the pasteboard. We 
were showing in a manufacturing town, and I well remember the con- 
tractor had considerable difficulty in securing a license. The mill 
people only worked fourteen and sixteen hours a day, and many of them 
were children who had better been at tkeir book than wearing out 
their young lives at the drudge work. The afternoon show was ' light,' 
for it is the country people who patronize the day show. Ticket sell- 
ing was slow, and from not being occupied I was looking about more 
than usual, and I row recollect that I noticed a couple of official-look- 
ing individuals, whom I at once took to be officers of the law, carefully 
canning all who entered the tent or approached the ticket wagon. At 
length one of the individuals, who carried a thick stick, as If he ex- 
pected to encounter some irate individual bent upon personal violence, 
exclaimed in a husky whisper, at the same time betraying considerable 
perturbation: * Terrible murder, Squire. I'm looking for the chap 
-as did it. Razor— throat cut from ear to ear— money missing.' I ex- 
pressed surprise, and indicated that I was desirous of learning the 
particulars. He shook his head and placed his hand upon his lips to 
imply silence, at the same time pantomimically pointing to a youth of 
fifteen, who passed up a two dollar note. As I was about to return 
his change with a ticket, the watcher pounced upon the lad as would a 
hawk upon a dove. 'I arrest you for murder." exclaimed the con- 
stable, giving the boy a fierce shake, as if to then and there punish him 
for the heinous crime with which he was charged. The jouth turned 
fiercely upon the officer, and said with an earnestness, and withal a 
^manliness which I shall never forget : 




SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



" ' What do you mean, sir, by this ? I consider this no 
joke.' 

" ' No joke/ exclaimed the constable, who had by this 
time been joined by his fellow officer and a crowd of 
hangers-on, attracted by the scene. 'Joke! I should 
say it was no joke,' said he, throttling the boy until he 
was black in the face. ' Do you call it a joke to murder 
your poor, old uncle V 

"Uncle — mur-dered!' stammered the boy, blanching 
and staggering at the intelligence, and instantaneously 
bursting into tears. 

"Look at the young hypocrite vagabones sniveling/ 
remarked the second officer. 

" A bystander made a very uncomplimentary remark 
in regard to the murdered man, declaring him to have 
been a brute as well as a miser, and further, that it were 
a pity that his head had not been severed from his 
body long before, at which both officials frowned me- 
nacingly and gave their prisoner an extra twist in their 
vice-like grasp. 

" Make a memmyrandum of that note, Bufikins/ sug- 
gested the first constable to the second, and taking it 
from my hand he wrote 'two dollar bill, Falls Mills 
Bank, No. 4792/ and returned it to me with an injunc- 
tion to keep it separate from my receipts, as it would be 
necessary to produce it at the examination, which would 
take place the next day. 

" This exciting occurrence hurt the afternoon house at 
least fifty dollars, as a crowd of idlers who would have 
ultimately surrendered their half dollars and quarters to 
the enticingly seductive strains of Prof. Kleib's Opera 
Band, followed off the culprit and his captors, leaving me 
idle in the ticket wagon. 

" By supper time an intense excitement prevailed 
throughout the town, and the wonders and attractions of 
our great consolidation were for a time forgotten in the 
all-absorbing topic of the hour. Coming out from the 
dining room, after supper, I was served with a subpoena 
to appear at the investigation the next morning. Of 
course it would be very inconvenient for me to remain 
behind, but it was my duty, and, besides, the law de- 
manded it. 

" The next morning the local weekly appeared, issued 
two days in advance of its usual date, and containing a 
highly colored account of the homicide, headed in display 
type: 

< a nephew kills his uncle to go to the circus.' 
" Somehow that caption roused my ire, and I imme- 
diately espoused the cause of the boy and began to look 
upon him as a victim of circumstances. I confess to 
being over sensitive to inuendoes or reflections tending 
to injuro our calling. 

"All the town magnates were convened at the justice's 
office long before nine o'clock, the appointed hour. The 
boy sat between the two constables, in front of the 
squire's desk, the picture of distress, and shared with me 
the dark and threatening glances of the loungers who 
had forsaken their accustomed haunt — the tavern. 

" I'll cut the story as short as I can and give you the 
pith of it. It appeared that the murdered uncle was a 
miser who had lived secluded at the edge of the town for 
many years. The story went that the death of a wid- 



owed sister, who had for some years resided with him, 
had changed him from a liberal, cheery man, to that of 
a cold, hard misanthrope, whose only end and aim 
seemed to be the accumulation of money. As years 
rolled on he had waxed rich and grown the more sordid 
and secluded. The only occupants of the farm house 
were himself and nephew. A dismal, strange home it 
was for the boy, who had grown up a shy chap, as sin- 
gular, almost, as his uncle. The uncle was oft accused of 
penurious meanness toward the son of his dead sister, 
and at times they had been known to quarrel and bandy- 
hot words, all of which were now called to mind and 
retailed again and again. 

" For all that their relations- were none of the pleas- 
antest, they were almost inseparable. The uncle was 
a very methodical man, as most misers are ; and lying^ 
upon his desk in the living room was found a series of 
daily entries of all his transactions — the loaning of 
money, the collection of rents, the recording and fore- 
closing of mortgages. To such an extreme was this 
carried that he even noted the numbers of the bank bills 
in his possession, and he could at any time have shown 
the number of every bond, share of stock and bank note 
in his possession. He was not, it is true, accustomed to 
keeping much cash on hand, as he had a terror of being 
robbed, and frequently gave out that he deposited daily. 
"The book was examined by the justice, and there, 
upon its page, was the damning evidence — the proof of 
the unnatural nephew's crime. It read: 'July 21, $2, 
Falls Mills Bank, No. 4792/ and the entry, as the date 
showed, had been made the very day of the murder. The 
fussy, snuffy lawyer who had volunteered his services in 
behalf of the friendless lad, seemed completely dumb- 
founded. There was not a shadow of a doubt that the 
pale, frightened youth was guilty. The case was uncere- 
moniously sent up to the higher court, the indictment 
found, and with that the crowd broke for the door to de- 
tail to the outsiders what had transpired within. 

" In murder cases, where the evidence is entirely cir- 
cumstantial, there is always a theory. In this case it 
was this: The nephew wanted money to go to the 
circus; he had been refused by the miser. Intent on 
gratifying his curiosity, he had watched his opportunity 
to obtain the money by foul means. His uncle had made 
the entry in the book and perhaps fallen asleep with the 
note in his hand, the lad had stolen behind him, and with 
one sweep severed the great artery, taking his life 
instantaneously, while the keen blade had almost severed 
the head from the body. 

" The tavern-keeper filed a bond for my appearance at 
the ensuing trial, and I rejoined the show and resumed 
my financial duties ; but not until I had interviewed the 
fussy and snuffy attorney and explained to him the disad- 
vantages of my being recalled to a trial during the season 
while we were traveling. I gave him a liberal fee and 
instructed him to keep off the trial until the next winter ; 
and at the same time suggesting that in tho meantime 
something might lift the load of guilt and obloquy that 
j now weighed down the unfortunate youth. 

"'I fear not,' returned the venerable man of the law. 
' I never undertook a more hopeless case in my life. His 
youth is the only thing that I can urge for clemency. 









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Note 479*2. ''The moonlight fell upon the blood-staixs. 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE ASTD ROMANCE. 



He is guilty, without a doubt ; but I pledge you my word, 
sir, that I shall do all that can be done.' And he con- 
tinued somewhat proudly, ' I have practiced going on 
these thirty years at the bar, and never neglected my 
duty either to my client or the law.' 

" I went away hurriedly, regretting that I had not 
interviewed the youth in the solitude of his cell, and to 
make amends, I wrote a note saying that he should not 
be entirely forsaken at his trial; for I had not yet 
forgotten the head lines of the newspaper, and every 
time I recalled them my blood grew hot and I felt an un- 
explainable sympathy for the friendless prisoner. 

"Why should I have sympathy for a murderer? The 
more I thought of it and the more I argued and reasoned 
within me, the greater and more intense interest I felt in 
the boy criminal. 

" A strange fancy took possession of my brain. I 
began to scrutinize every two dollar note that passed 
through my hands. In my sleep murderers went about 
passing two dollar bills. Every man with a two dollar 
bill was a murderer. I almost trembled at the sight of a 
two dollar note for fear that I might be called upon 
to swear away the life of some youth full of hope and 
anticipation of the world before him. 

"I became exceedingly nervous. I made repeated 
blunders in selling tickets and handling of money ; for 
there, right before the window of the wagon, were mur- 
derers of their uncles with two dollar notes. 

" It was one night in fche Fall — cheerless, cold and 
rainy — I recollect it well. I was perfectly unfit for my 
duties. I had grown thin and haggard — the murderer of 
his uncle was fast killing me. 

" There was a multitude about the ticket window in 
spite of the unpropitious weather. From the many 
money-filled hands thrust forward for tickets I pulled — 
a two dollar note, Falls Mills Bank, and, sure as Heaven, 
there were the figures 4792. There could be no mistake. 
I crushed the note into my vest pocket. I grew alter- 
nately hot and cold with excitement; I bungled and 
dropped tickets for the balance of that night. I was 
Hke a man in a trance. 

" The second note, No. 4792, would save the boy's life. 
I wrote the old lawyer to bring on the trial at the earliest 
possible moment. Come what would I would be there ; 
and, without divulging the nature of my discoveries, 
I wrote that I had learned that which would at least save 
the boy's life. 

" The trial came on and the evidence for the prosecu- 
tion was essentially the same as at the preliminary exam- 
ination. Witnesses were brought to prove the hard 
words that from time to time disturbed the quietude of 
the miser's home, and every circumstance pointed to the 
nephew as the murderer. The story and the theory was 
developed by the district attorney and his witnesses. 

"Then the hopeless case was called for the defense, 
and the venerable attorney, after taking a most pro- 
digious pinch of snuff, and turning to the parties 
addressed, remarked: 

" ' I believe, your honor and gentlemen of the jury> 
that the two dollar note, which the youth was detected in 
passing at the ticket wagon of the circus, was upon the 



Falls Mills Bank of this town, and number 4792.'. Paus- 
ing for a moment, and taking from the table before him 
an envelope, and removing therefrom a bank note, he re- 
sumed : ' In my hand I hold a two dollar note on the 
same institution, the number of which is 4792. Is that 
any evidence that I am the murderer ? Is the two dol- 
lar note, No. 4792, in possession of the government, any 
proof that this guileless boy — for I believe him such — 
committed this shocking homicide V 

" A great hush came over the assembly. The prisoner 
leaned forward, intense interest and surprise pictured on 
every lineament of his young faee. The judge dropped 
his spectacles, while the district attorney bounded out of 
his seat and quickly returned to it. The jury looked 
from one to another in amazement. The prosecuting 
officer and judge and jury examined the bank note. 
There was no mistaking the fact. It was a two dollar 
bill on the Falls Mills Bank, and the number was 4792. 

" The president of the bank was then called in behalf 
of the defence. He testified to the fact that there was 
in circulation four two dollar notes numbered 4792. He 
explained that the bank issued four series of numbers, 
designated by the letters A, B ; C and D. The note 
passed by the youth was of the series A, and that ex- 
hibited by the attorney for the prisoner of series C — B 
and D still being in circulation. 

"From that moment the government abandoned all 
hope of convicting the prisoner, and, the trial resulted in 
a disagreement of jury. 

" ' I will clear him,' exclaimed the old lawyer, jubi- 
lantly, as we walked away from the court room. 'In 
fact,' he added, ' I think the trial would have resulted in 
an acquittal were it not that the murder is still fresh in 
the minds of every one. The boy's case will grow 
stronger every day now, and I only regret that you have 
been so precipitate in urging the trial.' 

" I returned to the show, but not without interviewing 
the youth in whose fate I had become so much in- 
terested. He protested his innocence, and I believed 
him. 

" When the show broke up, I returned to Falls Mills 
and took up my residence at the tavern. I don't know 
what determined me to winter there, but I was im- 
pelled to do so. I cultivated a general acquaintance 
with the townspeople, and was in the habit, of an even- 
ing, to call upon one or the other of my new found 
friends. One night, intending to return to the tavern, 
my mind occupied with a variety of subjects that had 
formed the theme of our evening chat, I walked in the 
opposite direction, and before I noted my blunder, I was 
at the edge of the town and at the doorstep of the 
deserted house wherein had been committed the murder. 

" I had observed during the trial that no razor or knife 
had been exhibited in court as the bloody weapon with 
which the deed had been perpetrated; and as I stood 
there, at midnight, in the biting cold, the fact impressed 
itself upon me that the murdered man wore a full beard 
and never shaved. ' Did he have a razor in the house V 
I asked myself the question, and before I could answer 
it I had, with a sudden impulse, raised one of the win- 
dows and crawled into the very room in which the mur- 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



der was committed. The dark spot on the carpet told 
me that. The moonlight fell upon the blood stains, and 
with a shudder I was about to withdraw through the 
window ; but throwing off all fear and superstitious feel- 
ing, I closed the window and seated myself near the 
blood spot on the carpet, repeating to myself: ' He was 
killed with a razor.' I had no evidence of the fact, but 
it was part of the theory. 

" I forgot the cold — I forgot the dread spot where I 
eat — but I kept revolving in my mind, 'he was killed 
with a razor.' 

" All night I sat there deeply pondering, and when day- 
light came I commenced my search. The premises had 
been undisturbed since the murder, and things remained 
as they were before he was so suddenly and mysteriously 
ushered out of existence. 

"At last, in an old-fashioned, many-drawered bureau, 
I found a razor. It was a very old-fashioned one, and 
the initials of its former owner were roughly etched upon 
the handle. It was bright and unstained — not even 
touched with rust. I pursued my investigations further, 
and critically examined all the table cutlery in the house, 
and continued my search for razors ; but no more were 
to be found. I left everything as I found it and returned 
to the hotel, remarking in answer to an inquiry, that 
I had spent an evening with a friend. 

" After supper I went to the barber's for a shave. In 
front of me, beside the mirror, was a roughly con- 
structed frame for holding in place the razors of the bar- 
ber. I counted the number of places intended for the 
razors to rest in, and without thought, remarked aloud : 
* Eight razors !' The barber gave a start, which cut my 
face, and I noticed that his hand trembled violently. A 
terrible and startling suspicion flashed upon me. Why 
his perturbation ? I looked — there was six razors in the 
frame and one in his hand. Where was the eighth razor ? 
A clammy sweat oozed through my pores. Did he read 
my thoughts ? He might cut my throat ! 

" I thauked God when I got out of that chair. I went 
away not half knowing what I said. I was on the trail ; 
I felt it 

"The next day I interviewed the prisoner. Did he 
ever know of any business transactions between his 
uncle and the barber ? I was hunting for a motive — I 
had a theory to substantiate. He did. The barber 
owed a note of long standing, and oft postponed pay- 
ment. In fact, they had almost come to blows in regard 
to it. 

" I returned to the deserted house and resumed my 
tearch. Unrewarded, cold and disappointed, I leaned 
against the well curb. 

" The well ! I dashed into the house, forcing the illy- 
fastened door in my excitement and haste, and brought 
out a mirror. I held it so that the sun's rays reflected 
on the mirror the bottom of the well. I scanned the 
mirror intently. It was there pictured upon the surface 
of the tell-tale glass — I saw the distinct outline of a razor. 
I knew it all now. That razor had been the instrument 
of murder. I raturned the mirror to the house and 
turned toward the town. Irresistibly I was drawn to- 
ward the barber's shop. It was filled with customers, 



and I Seated myself to glance over a paper and study my 
man. I noticed that as he changed a dull razor for 
another of a keener edge, he, from habit, placed the one 
he had last been using in the pistol pocket of his pants 
instead of returning it to the rack. I now remembered 
that I had often seen him at the tavern — frequently with 
a razor in the same pocket, the handle protruding. 

" He had a discussion about the unpaid note, and to 
obtain possession of it he had murdered the old man. 
Such were my thoughts. I dropped the paper and 
looked the barber full in the eye and asked : 

" ' Where is that other razor V The sudden question 
made him cling to the chair at his side for support. He 
turned alternately white and red. I stepped between 
him and said : ' The other razor is where you threw 
it — in the well. You cut his throat to obtain possession 
of that note !' 

" ' It's a lie !' he gasped, trying to brave it out. 

u 'It is true!' I exclaimed, brandishing an old contract^ 
which had the appearance of a legal document, ' and I 
arrest you for murder V 

" The razor fell from his hand — the bravado was all 
gone. He was the guilty man. The shock was too much 
for his system— be fainted. Restored to consciousness, 
the pitiable wretch begged for mercy and imploringly 
cried : ' Oh, don't hang me ! Don't hang me !' Then, 
in a frenzy , he spraug up, exclaiming : ' I did it. I 
did it. The boy i& muocer.t!' And before any one could 
guess his purpose, he grasped a razor from the rack be- 
fore him, and with one terrible sweep across his throat, 
let out his lite. 

" The youth still Jives at Fall? Mills, an honored citi 
zen, and his parlor hangs a frame, in which '.& the two 
dollar note, Falls Mills Bank, No. 4792, series A, while I 
carry to this day the two dollar note, series C, Falls 
MiUs Bank, No. 4792." 



"ON THE KOAD." 

"Hoopla!" 

Spring time has come for the benefit of " Gentle 
Annie " and the public at large, the winter's snow has 
melted, and the roads are knee deep with the mud. 
Those gentlemen who have been watching for "sleepers" 
all winter about the faro table, uniformed in a fur collar 
and a linen duster, group where the genial rays of the sun 
shine is warmest, and return thanks that they have sur- 
vived, and pray that they may continue to exist until 
straw hats are again generally worn. 

Roll out the bill wagon and the paste wagon in the 
glory of their new paint; load in the gorgeous posters, 
the wordy programmes, handsome lithographs and illu- 
minated cards. Supply the agents with abundance of 
contract blanks, give the press agent his cuts, and in- 
struct him to make the columns of the newspapers as 
flowery as the hillsides in the coming May, and as gor- 
geous as the tinted heavens of an autumnal sunset. Fit 
the new paste brushes to their handles, lay in a stock of 
starch and tacks, and don't charge the manager a cent of 
profit thereon. Fetch out the horses and hitch up ; I am 



8 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



anxious to see the first stand of bills for the season 
posted. Slap on the paste with a will, blister your hands, 
all together, boys, this is the best show on the road, and 
we are the bosses in the business ! 

Opposition stand aside and clear the track, the grand- 
est combination of the universe is on wheels. Never was 
the little old man who directs the posting more in his 
element, and he sits upon his bill wagon shouting his or- 
ders like a colonel of militia in a sham fight. How the 
paste flies over the heads of the men into the faces of the 
lookers-on. You never saw the Splinter ? Why, he is a 
sight worth seeing ; he is built on the plan of a clothes- 




" On the Road." — " The Splinter." 
pin, and is as graceful as a turkey walking on a hot grid- 
iron ; his arms flap in the Spring gale, and he throws his 
brush with the skill of a veteran. What a Bardolph he 
would make. It would require no further reddening of 
the nose ; the color there is permanent. Such a fellow 
as he would have shone well in the train of the fat and 
lying knight. 

This is the first season for Salts of Syracuse, and at 
the outset he pokes the handle of his brush into the 
stomach of Friday, much to the discomfiture of that in- 
dividual, who says Nova Scotia, the province of his birth, 
is a very fine country — when it don't rain. Jersey, the 
ostler, who is now commencing his travels, conveys the 
impression to the small boys about the paste wagon that 
he is an " old showman," and wonders ir the young lady 
who is viewing the picture of M'lle. Rosiua on horseback 
does not imagine that he is the manager. He discovers 
during the evening that the mysterious maiden is a dish- 
washer at the hotel, and from the day he leaves Newark, 
New Jersey, until he terminates his engagement at Calais, 
Maine, the revenue of the postal department is in- 
creased and the national debt materially lessened by the 
bulk of their correspondence ; tin-type portraits in six- 



teen distinct positions are exchanged, and much mid- 
night oil consumed in the inditing of loving missives. 
John Garth, the programme juggler, gives the workers 
the value of his experience and advice ; the contracting 
agent is badgering a stupid Dutchman, who deals in lager 
and bologna, speaks but little English, and that very 
much mixed ; the director of publications is annoying 
the managing editor — in short, the advance corps are all 
at work, once more " on the road ! " 

Wait until the day's work is finished and set yourself 
down with the boys in the comfortable warmth given 
out by the stove in the hotel office. The contractor is 
looking over the contracts he has made during the day. 
The mai of the pen is thinking up the copy for a three- 
sheet poster. The paste brigade are indulging in remin- 
iscences. The little old man is full of them, and 
stretches the truth to an alarming extent. Jersey tells 
the most inane stories to the disgust of Salts. Friday 
and John Garth learnedly discuss the proper method of 
programming a show, and the Splinter at length secures 
the attention of all by relating his travels with Fore- 
paugh, O'Brien and Haight & Wooten. As a prelim- 
inary he ties his long legs in a knot and proceeds to fur- 
nish a recipe to keep paste from spoiling. 

"You don't know Steve Young, do you?" said the 
Splinter. " He always travels with the show that 
Charlie Castle goes with. Bob Armstrong, who used to 
be ahead of J. M. French told me this story. Last time 
I saw Bob he was a clerk in a hotel up in Rutland, Ver- 
mont. Doctor Jones, the writer, told me so. The doc- 
tor said that Steve's memory was not very good ; so one 
day, that he mightn't forget the name of the next stand, 
he writ it on the foot board of the bill wagon with a piece 
of chalk. Ridin' over the country it got wore off, you 
know, by the rubbing of his feet, and when Steve came 
to a cross-road and wanted to a«k the right road to take, 
he couldn't make out his memorandum ; and he sat there, 
scratching his head and trying to think of the name. 
After a minute or two he gave it up and sang out to a 
man who was workin' in the field close by: 

" I say, mister, can you tell me the name of a town 
near here which sounds smithing like peck?' 

" In course the farmer didn't know what peck meant, 
for he had never traveled with a show; but he com- 
menced to name the towns, and byme-by sez he, ' Eaton.' 

"That's so,' says Steve. 'Eating— Eaton— Eating ; 
that's it; — get up ;' and away he went before the country- 
man had half finished telling him the way." 

Early to bed, for the paste brigade must be on the 
road before daylight ; the stands are all for one day, and 
there is no time to be lost. "Breakfast at four, land- 
lord. Good night, good night." The trouble has not yet 
commenced. Wait until opposing companies strike our 
route, then the paper will fly ; the little old man puts on 
his over-alls, and slings paste as if his existence were at 
stake ; the contractor "jumps ahead " and secures bill- 
boards and posting places; the writer dips his pen in 
wormwood, and the battle rages; telegrams from the 
managerial commander-in-chief in the rear flash along 
the lines, the action has become general, the armor is 
buckled on, and the cry is "War!" 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



9 



The strength of the road stock is tested to the utmost, 
as the drives are long, and man and horse begin to wear 
under the strain ; rams set in and the roads become al- 
most impassable. The agents hunt lots and licenses, 
wading in the slush; the newspaper man tells no more 
funny stories to local editors, but grows uglier and bitterer 
than his writings. Jersey wishes himself in Newark once 
more, and loses his much needed rest in writing letters 
to the fair dishwasher; Friday is the only happy man in 
the crowd; the weeping heavens and the muddy streets 
remind him so much of the land of Longfellow's Evan- 
geline. 

A mob of boys run howling after the two teams that 
are dragged through the streets at a furious rate, consid- 
ering the depth of the mud ; the enemy have arrived, the 
paste brigade of the other show is here. " Now look out 
for a clash and quarrel," you say ? No ; there is where 
you make a mistake. The representatives of the rival 
circuses greet each other in the most cordial manner, 



with many a hearty clasp of the hand and inquiry as to 
each other's health and prosperity. In an incredible 
short space of time the new comers are at work ; the 
ringing echo of the carpenter's hammer tells of the ris- 
ing of the mammoth bill boards. Like chivalrous sol- 
diers they fight for the flag of their employer, leaving no 
duty undone that shall tend to bring him success ; but 
when the day's labors are over they will gather about the 
stove in the hotel office and revive pleasant recollections of 
the past or discuss the merits of their respective shows. 
The fall of the year will find them resplendent with 
new suits, laden with jewelry and brilliant with dia- 
monds, their pockets distorted with immense wads of 
small notes, finding a welcome wherever they go — as long 
as the money lasts. There may be a perceptible differ- 
ence in the texture of the cloth which the Splinter wears, 
and tne stunning pin on his breast may be an " Alaska," 
but what of that ? He feels just as big in his new suit as 
any man who has been " on tha road." 




Mehitable Verdant's Visit to a Circus. — " I tell ye it made a pretty nice little company, 



MEHITABLE VERDANT VISITS 
A CIRCUS. 

" Law, suz ! Mrs. Dewlittle, I'm pesky glad to see ye; 
walk in, set deown, arter I dust the cheer with my apron ; 
don't know as you can stumick it tew set deown here, 
but I have been so busy sence Sary Jane has been visitin' 
deown to her Uncle Prosper's, that I ain't had time to 
turn reound, skercely. 

So you hern tell how I went to the circus ? Well, I 
might nave known, when any one that ain't a nateral 
born fool goes to goin' on in sech redicklus way, they 
must expect it. 'Spose I've got my name up by it, an' it 
will be 'nuff to last me as long as I live. 

11 'Taint that I was follenn' my teechin,' I want you to 
understan', for I wur bro't up proper as any gal m my 
teown, and held as 'sponsible and honorable position in 



j the sewin' sercfeties and the mishunery organizations of 
j our church. I don't know as I shall be able to recover 
■ my position in serciety arter sech cut-tin's up. 

"Yeousee, the way it cum tew happen was — there 
dew lay off yeour bunnit, jest one secund, and let me tell 
, yew all abeout it. Well, tew commence agin : Yeou 
I know Dekun Verdant air the head slackman of eour 
town, and are been the same gom' on these ten years 
or more, an' some time I think what would become of 
the teown if the Dekun should leave the place ; I'm sar- 
tin there's not one of 'em that could fill the place with 
sech dignitude. 

" Well, as I was savin', there cum along a feller, an' 

j he talked so purty an' so flatterin' that Dekun gin him a 

license to show his circus on the teown square. I don't 

I bleve Dekun wud have done it, but the feller was 

so smooth and offered to pay ten dollars for the lot and 



10 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMOBS, ADVENTUKE AND EOMANCE. 



give the Dekun all the family tickets he wanted, and then, 
as sez the Dekun to me, that night, that ten dollars will 
dew a heap of repairin' on the highways, and I dew think 
there is a real bad place right agin eour place, tho' sum 
folks is mean enutT to say that the Dekun duz all the re- 
parin' 'reown his own farm ; but a public officer must ex- 
pect to be slandered. I allers was when I was presydent 
of the sewin' serciety. Didn't they go and say that my 
darter wore a pettercoat that was made for the heathin' — 
as fur myself I allers did bleve more in home missions 
than I did in furrin. 

"Kekin I'm tirin' yeou, so I'll be gittin' along with 
my story. Yeou seen the great handbills in more cullers 
than there is in that table spread, and the circus cummin' 
in teown, an' all that — but I must say that it was the 
most gorgeousest thing I ever seen. 

" When the time cum fur the show, Dekun, dressed 
up in his Sunday go-tew-meetin' clothes, took the lead 
an' away he went. There was Dekun an' I, an' eour 
sevm young uns and Square Breown — he's another wun 
of the slackmen— an' his wife, five children, and Mr. 
Jones — he's tother slackman — an his nine children, an' 
as cousin Smith was here with his family, he went along 
tew. I tell ye it made a purty nice little company, tho' I 
must confess the children were a little troublesome, heow 
as them Jones and Breown young un's never could agree < 

" I was for goin' reoun' an' seein' all the side shows, 
but Dekun he sed ' less get in an' get eour seats, an' we 
can see all these things eoutside arter the show.' So we 
marched *p to the hole in tho tent, where a man stud 
takin ticket. The Dekun and Square Breown an' Mr 
Jem s bancu'd up their family tickets and passed in. As 
we went in, v :n of the mean, insultin' critters sed sum- 
thin' abeout dead heds, and sez I, turnin' reoun, ' who air 
yeou a talkin' tew ; don't yeou know I'm Mrs. Mehitable 
Verdant, wife of Dekun Verdant, first slackman of the 
teown?' That shet him up, an' sez he, 'excuse me, 
madame, I am using a professional term; an' sez I, 'well 
yeou needn't use any more of them tew me.' I bleve 1 
shud have stopped and broke my parrysoll over his hed, if 
the music hadn't struck up jest that minit, and Dekun 
pushed me ahed, an' it was well he did, or we should have 
lost our seats. 

" I red in the Herald what a shameful thing the Black 
Crook was, but I should think that this circus was a 
white crook, for all the men were undressed in white 
clothes, jest as tight as their skina ; it's a wonder they 
didn't break their necks, an' it ain't much pity, in my 
way of thinking, that they didn't. If I should tell you all 
I can, it would take mo all day, and I wouldn't be half 
done then. Of course the last part of the show was the 
most excitin', and every one was stanin' on the seats, so 
as to see over the heads of those who wur stannin' up 
in front of them ; it made my dander rise, an' thinks I 
tew myself, I'll stan' up tew. Neow, it ain't no easy job 
fur a woman like me to git on her feet very lively. Jest 
as I wuz on my feet — ye see I'm purty heavy, weighing 
nigh on tew two hundred and forty pounds, an' jest my 
luck — the little limpsey board I wur stannin' on gin way, 
an' kerflummux we .'ill went, young uns an' all, kerslap. 
" I cum deown on top of a feller, and nearly squashed 



him. As it wur, his stove-pipe hat were flattened out 
like a sheet of paper. Arter tuggin' an' pullin', an' 
haulin', the Dekun got rae on tew my feet agin, an' by 
that time the circus was over, an' we went eout with the 
crowd. I wur so mad, from making myself so ridiculous 
from fallin', an' what with every one laughin' and haw- 
hawin' as if they would bust, you conld have lit a candle 
on my face. 

. " When we got eout to the door, a feller, who was in- 
troduced to Dekun as Mr. Barnum, the owner of the 
show, tried to pacify and palaver over the matter, an' I 
felt so preoud in becomin' acquainted with the great 
showman, who had so much to do with Jenny Lind and 
Tom Thumb, that I furgot my misfortin' an' the next minit 
was bowin' an' scrapin' tew sheow him. that I had not 
furgot my airly dancin' school lessons and proper man- 
ners belongin' to the wife of the first slackman of the 
teown ; then he treated us to small beer an' leminade 7 
and I ain't placin' it any too high when I say that he 
spent full seventy-five cents on us before we could get rid 
on him. I don't know how long I should have stud there 
talkin' an' laffin', an' drinkin' leininade an' eatin' peanuts, 
wur it not that I happened to think what a figgur I cut, 
stannin' there with my bunnit all mashed in, an' a great 
long rent in the front breadth of my geown. So I 
curched an' bid Mr. Barnum good bye, arter shakin' 
ban's with him, and put home as straight as I could go, 
'cross lots, while the Dekun stopped to collect the license 
from the manager. 

" Soon as I got home I changed my clothes, an' arter 
supper went to darnin' the hole in my dress. As the De- 
kun didn't come, I guessed as how he wuz dinein' deown 
at the tavern, long of Mr. Barnum — and so he wuz, just 
as I expected. Well, I sot up an' I sot up, an' the Dekun 
didn't cum till nigh on tew twelve o'clock ; purty time o' 
night want that, for a pillar or tho church to cum craw- 
lin' intew the heous like a thief; an' it did seem tew me 
as tho' the Dekun's breth did smell powerful strong, as 
tho' he had been drinking camphene, and he hiccupped 
atween every word he spoke, an' if he hadn't havo been 
a member of the Good Templars, I should have sartinly 
sed that ho wur somewhat in licker, tew say the least, 
but Dekun Verdant is not a drinking man. 

" Well, tho next mornin' the Dekun complained of 
bein' onwell an' bavin' a terrible hard head ache, and he 
never eat a mouthful anything, an' only drinked a cup of 
coffee our his breakfuss, an' looked as holler-eyed as tho' 
he had been on a sick bed for a fortnight. Well, as we 
had so much extra company at breakfuss, I was obliged 
to send over Dorothy Ann to Squire Breown's tew git a 
cut of boef from the steer which they killed the day 
afore. When I went to my dress pocket, which I wore 
the day afore, the money was not there — my puss was 
gone ! Then I was distrest, an' I rushed into the bed 
room, an' sez I, ' Dekun Verdant, I've lost my puss!' an' 
then the Dekun groaned as if in bitterness of sperrit. I 
went tew his breeches pockets an' tuk eout his pocket 
book, an' there waut a five cent stamp in it. I looked 
over toward the Dekun, an' he wur a snonn' as tho' he wur 
asleep. I knew better than that ; but I want a goin' to 
kick up a row when we had a house full of company. 



SHOW LIFE—ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



11 



"I was bound to find out how that came ; for, tew my 
sartin knowledge, the Dekun had nigh on tew forty dol- 
lars in his pocket, not speakin' of the license munny 
which he was to collect Neow if yeou'll never tell a 
livin' breathin' soul I'll tell yeou. Arter the Dekun and 
Mr. Barnum had tuk supper tewgether, they played a lit- 
tle sociable hand at keards, an' I've beam tell that the 
Dekun was dreful playin' bluff when he wur a young 
man, an' it want but a little while afore they got tew 
playin' fur ten cents, jest to make it interesting as Mr. 
Barnum said. By an' bye, sez he, after he had dealt a 
hand — * I think I have a hand here which I should like 
to bet a trifle on, if I wur a bettin' man.' 

The Dekun looked in his han'. Seein' a3 heow he had 
four kings, he said he ' wouldn't mind goin' five dollars on 
it.' Mr. Barnum sed he wur agreeable, an' didn't mind 
makin' it ten. Dekun spunked up an' said ' twenty, if 
you like ; then it went forty an' then fifty, which wur all 
the Dekun had with him. An' then he showed his hand. 



bu,t Mr. Barnum had four aces and tuk the pile. The 
Dekun might have kneown it, playin' with that pesky 
humbug. An' then Mr. Barnum excused himself, an' 
that's the last he saw of him. 

" Neow yeou can see what has bxaa from that pesky 
circus. I ruined my geown, spoilt my bunnit, an' lost at 
least fifteen dollars while I was talkin' with Mr. Barnum. 
The Dekun was eout of pocket fifty dollars, and the 
landlord's wife told me he had a dreadful big score, run- 
nin' clean acrost the cellar door, a treatin' the clown an' 
them showmen. But we ain't goin' to have any more 
sech goin's on here ; the slackmen have met an' voted 
that circuses an' sech ' air demoralising, an' that they 
henceforth be discountenanced by eour teown.' 

" I'm half a mind to think that chap was not the real 
Mr. Barnum ; but since hs run for Congress, I think he's 
bad enough for pretty much anything, an' I'm goin' to 
bleve it is him untd I have purty strong proof to the 
contrary." 



GEEAT AMEEIOAN HEN SHOW. 



Harry Hapgood is a veteran in the legion of ad- 
vance agents It is not to my purpose here to 
chronicle the travels of that gentleman, either with 
Madame Rentz's Female Minstrels, the Bridgeport 
Amateurs, or when he braved the briny deep to 
herald Rumsey & Newcomb's opening, with their 
American minstrel band, in Liverpool. Hapgood's 
practical jokes and escapades at home and abroad 
are numerous. 

"Once upon a time" he found himself disen- 
gaged, and, not wishing to idle away his time and 
at the same time squander his funds, he set his 
wits to work to conceive some new method of 
relieving the public of their spare change. At the 
time the " hen fever " was at its height, and the 
yards of fanciers were filled with elephantine fowls 
called Bramah Pootrahs, Chittagongs, Cochin 
Chinas and Shanghaes Burnham had sent a trio 
of Burnham Poptrahs to the Queen of England, and 
everybody had run chicken mad. 

A new idea came to Hapgood in the midst of his re- 
flections, and he proceeded to its speedy execution. Pur- 
chasing cf fanciers several trios of the several breeds of 
Asiatic fowls, he placed them in cages, and, announcing, 
m mammoth display type, " The Great American Hen 
Show," opened his exhibition in a vacant store or small 
hall in each town he visited. The nominal price of ad- 
mission— ten cents— did not yield much revenue, about 
covering expenses only ; but the profit was derived from 
the sale of the eggs of the rare poultry. 

As might be expected, the number of eggs laid was not 
equal to the demand. Still, Hapgood never turned away 
a customer, buying eggs by the barrel at the grocer's at 
twenty cents a dozen and disposing of them as the pro- 
duct of his "premium stock" on exhibition, at the rate 
of $10 per dozen. 




"A Prize Bird" 

The star trio was ticketed as "Own brother and sisters 
of the trio of Burnham Pootrahs presented to Victoria, 
Queen of Great Britain, by Geo. P. Burnham. Esq." Of 
course the " hen fruit " of the relatives of the American- 
Asiatic delegates to the royal henery brought a fancy 
price, nothing less than $50 a dozan or $5 the single egg. 
Unlike other poulterers, the showman had no hesitation 
in warranting the eggs he sold to hatch, and as he tucked 
the money of his victim m his pocket, would remark : 

" Fresh laid ; I'll warrant 'em. If they don't hatch, 
save them till I come along again, and I'll sit on them 
myself." 

Hapgood's " Great American Hen Show " was a success, 
despite the fact that he was obliged to be governed by 
the incubation of the eggs he sold, and be well out of the 
region of his operations before the chicks showed their 
"true feather" and the false one of the eccentric exhib- 



12 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



ltor. Gradually the hen fever waned, and fanciers tiring 
of their expensive pets, ruthlessly rung their necks and 
consigned them to the pot, or disposed of them at almost 
any price to get rid of the gourmands. 

The " Great American Hen Show " closed, and the man- 
ager accepted a position with a circus as chief-in-charge 
of the " paste brigade." The " prize " birds were sold to 
/a butcher, not even excepting the relatives of the hen 
/ royals, who, by the way, were the toughest and oldest in 
the lot. Their former owner says that they were pur- 
chased by a lady who " took in boarders," and remarked 
that fhey were " indeed prize fowls, as they went further 
than any she ever had before ; they were on the table two 
weeks before the boarders finished eating them." 

When the hen show man engaged himself to the circus 
he made diligent inquiry as to the route to be traveled, 
not desiring to return so soon to the scenes of his late 
conquests ; but as fate would ha\ e it, they met with too 
strong opposition as they continued on the route pros- 
pected, and wheeling about, dismayed their chief of the 
paste by ordering him in to what might fitly be called the 
enemy's country. 

At first thought Hapgood was going to tender his resig- 
nation, but, as the salary he was receiving was «atisfac 
tory, he decided to run the chances of detection, and to 
better prevent recognition, sacrificed ins moustache and 
had his hair cut so short that he 'ooked more Jikn a 
pugilist in training than the late proprietor of the " Great 
American Hen Show." 

For several weeks Hapgood escaped recognition, but at 
last he was detected! It is his delight now — and it was 
then — to tell stories, and is never happier than in relating 
anecdotes to the hangers-on abont a country hotel, and con- 
veying them such startling and hitherto undivulged infor- 
mation as that Barnum's plowing elephant was made 
of India rubber, and blown up with a bellows, and the 
learned seal, a nice piece of mechanism, a mere automa- 
ton, invented by F. C. Pratt. The world is full of doubters* 
and it is not remarkable that some of his hearers were 
drawn into discussion, when Hapgood always produced 
documentary evidence (in his own handwriting, signa- 
ture and all ) and substantiated his statements. Polit- 
ical topics were often broached in these free lyceums, and 
the showman had one evening just made the positive as- 
sertion that Joice Heth was his own sister, w r hen a tall 
countryman occupying a back seat blurted : 

' The Great American Hen Show man, I swow." 
An announcement that set the room full in a roar of 
laughter. 

"I bought a dozen of your eggs," continued the 
speaker. 

''They hatched, didn't they?" queried Hapgood, see- 
ing that he was known. 

''Every one," was the reply. 

u Well, you are satisfied with your bargain, ain't you?" 
interrogated Hapgood. 

•'' Wall, I spose as I was humbugged, I might as well ac- 
knowledge the corn, though I expected to raise some 
mighty smart stock out of them eggs. You know you 
said there was a quarter dozen each of Braman Putrids, 
Coachey Chiners, Shang-hies and Chittergongs." 



" Oh, yes !" chimed Hapgood, " I recollect. How did 
they turn out ?" 

The amateur hen fancier looked about him rather 
sheepishly, and answered : 

"Wall, I'll be durned, if when them eggs come to 
hatch if eleven of them warn't ducks, and the other one 
was a banty rooster." 

The victim saw that there was little use of being ill 
humored or indignant about the imposition practiced 
upon him, and joined in a hearty laugh at his own 
expense. 

Hapgood recovered from his temporary discomfiture 
in a few minutes, and amused his auditors, including the 
poultry-fancier, by telling them of an individual who 
traveled with a menagerie, and, finding his wages inade- 
quate, added to his income by selling goose eggs to 
such patrons as were desirous of breeding ostriches, he 
promising to buy such as were raised, and pay for them 
a fabulous sum. 

The last time I saw Hapgood he was organizing a 
Parlor Italian Opera Troupe. Buoyant and confident as 
ever, he said : 

'* Something new for me to try a hand at, but I guess 
I'll make it go. I've got a pocket map of Italy, and have 
read up the books of travel pretty well. I'm just from 
Itaiy, >ou know (by the way of Newark), and shall have 
a good deal of information to give to the agents of the 
halls and the bill posters. You see I wax my mustache 
now ; it gives one a foreign appearance." 

I wished the veteran the greatest success with Italian 
Opera, but he cannot excel the triumphs of the " Great 
American Hon Show." 



THE PLANTER'S DAUGHTER. 



The locale of this little sketch was not in the brick- 
wall confines of the city or the small hamlet upon the 
line of some grand trunk railway, but way off among the 
green clad hills and mountains of Vermont, where the 
city's denizen fled from its heat and dust to breathe the 
pure air and snuff the new mown hay that made all the 
fields odorous with its fragrance. 

Among those who wended their w r ay to the northern 
clime to mingle in the select society of the summer resort, 
to idle and recreate and commune with nature, came a 
planter and his daughter from the land of cotton, wild 
honey and the 'possum. 

The parent would have passed for a Southron every- 
where and anywhere, with his dark complexion, black 
eyes, inky mustache and long hair His name might 
have been St. Elms, St. Cloud, St. Johu, Montmorency 
or some other musical sounding and romantic cognomen J 
but that is neither here nor there. Evahne was the fair 
daughter's name, and quite a proud and haughty young 
maid was she, with her father's midnight hair and pierc- 
ing black eyes. 

Like a queen she moved in the very select circle at the 
mountain house, and few were the aspiring attendants 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



13 



that received the slightest recognition from the young 
beauty other than the haughtiest observance of a cold 
and studied etiquette. 

One sultry afternoon the quietness and the slumbers 
of the guests who had dropped off into a doze after 
reading the newspapers received by the last mail, was 
aroused by the crack of the driver's whip, and up 
rolled the coach and six, which was immediately sur- 
rounded by the attentive clerks, a couple of porters 
and half a dozen bell boys. 

Two of the outside passengers brought important 
news, and the registering of their names created quite 
a stir, and the news was soon communicated from 
parlor to kitchen that the circus was coming, and the 
agent was now in the house. 

Two hours later, when a corps of carpenters com- 
menced the erection of a bill-board, and the " paste 
brigade " arrived under the direction of a little wizen- 
faced, withered-up old man, a miniature edition of a 
shrunken Eip Tan Winkle, the news was confirmed. 

The fair young Evaline's eyelids had fallen drooping 
over Longfellow's " Miles Standish," while she pic- 
tured in her mind's romantic fancy John Alden leading 
his white steer and its precious burden. 

We all have our day dreammgs and castle building, 
and the little old man who drove the wagon had his ; 
and all that day as he climbed the hill-tops from the 
city left behind, he had longed for the tenting season to 
come to an end that he might return to Gotham and 
there once more bask in the smiles of his Sarah, a maid- 
of-all-work, in Avenue Three. 

Toward the close of the evening, when the labors of 
the carpenters had been completed, the antiquated Lill- 
iputian and his bevy of assistants pasted upon the 
bulletin board a many-colored display of mammoth 
posters, and as the miniature Eip Tan Winkle directed 
his forces, the maiden fair with the raven hair, in her 
poetical imagination thought them to be as of the 
Eoman heralds of old, proclaiming to all to come and 
see what they had never seen before and never would 
see again. 

Early in the coming morn, before the sun could rise to 
burn the dew from the clover tops and the leaves of 
grass, the emissaries of the circus were away — the con- 
tracting agent, with his pencil behind his ear and envel- 
oped in a lemon-colored linen duster, the newspaper 
man, a Bohemian in a velvet coat, and the Falstaff-like 

army of the little old man — in all a rare combination of 

the " long and short of humanity." 

Before the advent of the circus there was plenty of 

time to discuss its happily worded announcements in 

programme and newspaper advertisements, and by the 

consent and approval of the several controlling Mrs. 

Grundy's it was voted to be quite the thing to go to the 

circus. 

Everybody was going. 

They went. 

The proud planter was there with his prouder daughter, 

and both seemed to highly enjoy the efforts of the riders, 

the gymnasts and the cIowtis. 




The Planter's Daughter. — " He sat himself boldly 
down close at her side." 

Among the tumblers was one of comely and manly 
form, straight as an arrow, as writers of Indian ro- 
mances say, black of hair and eyes, dark of complexion, 
but with excellent features and intelligent in look. 

As he of the tights and spangles looked about the saw- 
dust ring, which he trod in conscious superiority, he met 
the approving gaze of the planter's daughter, and felt 
proud, indeed, when he saw her pretty hand patting in 
applause, and with redoubled exertions he fairly outdid 
himself. 

That evening when he left the circus tent and walked 
slowly and pensively to the hotel, deep in thought of the 
charms of the dark-eyed beauty of the sunny south-land, 
he was unexpectedly rewarded by meeting her face to 
face as she sat gazing upon the rising moon creeping its 
way above the mountain tops far away. Making bold, as 
! lovers sometimes do — for he was in love — he sat himself 
\ boldly down close at her side, where the vine-clad 
I lattice prevented obtrusive observation. 



14: 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



" Quite unlike your cotton-land, lady, is this mountain 
nook." 

At first the maiden gave a quick start, as if to vacate 
her chair, offended at the boldness of the intruder, but 
seemingly controlled by a second thought, she again re- 
clined at ease, but remained silent. 

" The intruding youth, taking his cue from a volume of 
Tennyson, which had taken the place of our American 
poet, which laid idly in her lap, with a taper finger be- 
tween the leaves as a place-keeper to indicate where the 
fair reader "left off" in the weary waiting and the 
never-coming Enoch Arden. 

" Do you not pine sometimes in this secluded rural re- 
treat for the more balmy clime and warmer skies of your 
own congenial home ?" 

The maiden nodded, but made no other reply. 

'* I sigh, myself," he continued, " for the land of the 
magnolia, when the ice-bound winters fall upon us here ; 
and even now, when the Summer's heat oppresses, I 
could find relief in some deeply shaded lagoon where the 
moss-grown trees are densely o'erspread with the cling- 
ing vine." 

The lady smiled sweetly at his rhapsody, and embold- 
ened, he again resumed,. eagerly drinking in the beauty 
of the non-commuoicative daughter of the South. 

" Tom Moore, you know, wrote some of his sweetest 
lines in Norfolk of your own dear old Virginia,- the 
mother of presidents, as she so well is called." 

And still the maiden made no reply, but seemed to be 
mind-roaming far away, floating on an open sea with the 
sailor hero of the poet laureate. For some moments an 
awkward silence followed, and the young athlete gazed 
vacantly upon the slowly rising, far distant moon, which 
shed a faint glimmer on the dark-hued, verdure-clad 
mountain. At length he spoke again in a voice whose 
cadence told of the admiration he bore the queenly 
being at his side. 

" Lady, as I beheld you to-day, while performing my 
duties in the arena, I thought I saw T pictured in the deli- 
cate features of yourself a sister whom I love so well ; 
and as I saw the manly form of your noble parent at your 
side, was reminded of my own father. It is a misfor- 
tune, you know," he said, as a tinge of sadness came 
over his trembling voice, "that my avocation calls me 
away from those I love and cherish, bringing me in con- 
tact with the stranger and the cold formalities of the 
world. You cannot know, lady, how I pine, sometimes, 
ior the association of some sweet girl whom I may call a 
sister; and when gazing about me during my perform- 
ances, I often single out some pure-faced one like you, 
and as my imagination has reign fancy that she is, as I 
thought you, my sister." 

Again there was silence, and for quite a lengthy dura- 
tion, caused by lover-strollers, who, unaware of encroach- 
ment on others' solitude, meander near. After a while 
their footsteps and hushed voices died away, and the 
athlete interrogated : 

" Have you not sometimes, yourself, thought that you 
recognized the features of an old friend in the face of an 
entire stranger ?" 

The drooping eyelids lifted and the rosebud lips parted 



as she spoke in accents that fell from them like the- 
sweetest ^Eolian music. 

" I have not noted it so particularly myself, but father 
remarked to-day, when he first saw you quit the ring, 
that your countenance was very familiar — " 

" Indeed !" interrupted the young man, overjoyed that 
the beauty had broken her silence. 

'' Yes," she continued, " and he turned to me and said: 
' By George, that young fellow is a perfect picture of a 
molasses-colored nigger that I used to own!'" 

When the moonbeams fell upon the piazza at the rnaid- 
e'ns feet, she sat alone, far at sea with Enoch Arden. 



ffl WINTEE QUAETEES. 



The fire burned brightly and the circus folk gathered 
'round. The night clerk nodded at his desk, and the 
pointers of the clock indicated the near approach of mid- 
night. Broadway, the city's great thoroughfare, was 
hushed, and disturbed only by the occasional carriage, at 
long intervals, rolling over the paved way. The boys were 
now ripe for fun. Landlord Leland had just retired to his 
room, and the " Independent Order of Night Hawks" — 
as they termed themselves — had an established rule that 
" this body shall convene so soon as the proprietor may 
retire, or as soou thereafter as practicable." 

From room No. 1, close by, the familiar voices of Joel 
Warner, Andy Springer, Frank Rosston, Charlie Pell, 
George Guilford, Darwin Colvin, Charlie Castle, Hughes 
and other managerial and literary lights in the sawdust 
world, have sometime since ceased. Some of the setters 
about the fire were in full dress and sparkling with dia- 
monds, while others had a careless air which spoke 
plainly or " good times " in the Summer, and a " paying 
for the whistle " all winter. 

Strange and humorous were the yarns they spun, each 
vieing with the other. Billy Burke, as usual, w T as en- 
thusiastic about James Robinson, with whom he traveled 
the past season, and mentioned special occasions when 
the " champion of the world " performed the most won- 
derful things upon the flying steed. At length, in his re- 
lation he came to the occasion of a disturbance. The 
show was in a southwestern city, and no sooner was the 
tent pitched than a quarrelsome individual, full of " family 
quarrel," began to make himself obnoxious to circus 
people and the public. 

As described by the clown, there traveled with Robin- 
son as boss canvasman an individual combining in him- 
self the powers of Mace, O'Baldwin and Coburn rolled 
into one — a mountain of flesh and muscle — but, withal, a 
good natured fellow, not easily stirred up to aggression. 
About the time of the commencement of the afternoon 
performance the fusil oil had so worked upon the Ruben 
that he became more obtrusive and obnoxious than ever,, 
and after declaring his intention of single handed whip- 
ping every man, woman and child on the lot, wound up 
by shouting at the top of his voice : 
" I'm all wool, and a yard wide." 



SHOW LJFE— ITS HUMOBS, AD VENTURE AND EOMANCE. 



15 



At that precise moraer| the boss canvasman lost his 
temper and landed a tremendous blow directly under the 
ear of the turbulent character, who would have measured 
his length upon the ground but for the fact that d ; ectly 
behind him stood a tall, heavy mule ; when the cov -y- 
man struck the mule, his body fairly flying in thea^-, 
there was a loud thud, and the dumb animal fell pros- 
trate with a jar that shook the earth. 

" You had ought to have seen that fellow," said Burke, 
glancing about to note the effect of his story. " He 
crawled out from among the mule's heels, as tears of pain 
started in his eyes, and turning upon the crowd said : 

" I wouldn't mind a man hitting me, but to think of 
being kicked by a mule !" 

The crowd laughed and shouted, and the disturbing 
element, a good deal sobered, sneaked out of .the lot and 
away not to be seen there again. 

At the conclusion of this anecdote there were some 
dissenting voices, but members who had themselves 
drawn the long-bow pretty freely were willing to credit it. 

Naturally from war the conversation turned to love, 
and Joe Reynolds, who handled the cash for the Satsuma 
Japs during their tour under the canvas, related a re- 
markable instance of love at first sight. He would not 
be responsible for the statement himself, for it was told 
to him by Mike Coyle, of the Stone & Murray party. 

James Maguire, of the motley, interposed the hope that 
Mr. Reynolds would not romance, and then place the re- 
sponsibility upon an absent friend far away in Syracuse. 
Joseph protested against any doubts of his truthfulness 
being raised ; he had in boyhood cut his father's cherry 
tree, and could never tell a lie. 

The tale he told was of a handsome side-show blower — 
44 solicitor " Mr. Reynolds called him — in form an Apollo, 
and perfect in feature ; eloquence flowed from his lips as 
sweet sounds from a silver bell. One day he was more 
eloquent than ever ; the choicest and most euphonious 
words melted at his tongue's end, and flowed through 
his lips. 

" I am a rich man's son in disguise," he cried, and in 
the crowd there was a lovely maid, who believed him, 
and then and there at first sight fell deep in love with 
the side-showman. She was smit and he was smitten. 

At this moment the hand organ within struck up a 
lively air, and many of the crowd passed in, keeping 
time to the music. As the rural beauty handed her 
money and passed in, he, by accident, pressed her hand. 

He sighed and she sighed. 

In a few moments they were acquainted, and she 
promised to come to the big show again that night, 
which she did, and they met again. He avowed his love, 
and she reciprocated his passion. They would flee ; they 
fled immediately after the performance, and the pan- 
stole away, not as knight and lady of old, but riding on 
top of the side-show canvas. They, were married in the 
next town, just before the arrival of an indignant father, 
who had followed in pursuit. But he forgave them, and 
bid them live happy ever after. 

" And who do you think she was ?" asked Reynolds — a 
conumdrum which no one answered. " Her father was a 
selectman 01 the town, and very rich. If I was to tell you 



half what he was worth you wouldn't believe me. The 
next season that side-showman went out with his own. 
circus ; the next season he had a menagerie ; and I should 
not be at all surprised if this season ho run six tents, for 
he is very wealthy and never will be outdone." 

Silence reigned about the room, only broken by the 
heavy breathing of the sleepers, who had, one by one, 
dropped off into the arms of Morpheus. The disgusted 
story teller arose, and, whispering in the ear of the half- 
awake night clerk : « 

" If you've got the key to the bar, Al, I think I'll take ^ 
drink," whereupon every slepeer sat bolt upright, opened 
wide their eyes, and exclaimed in one voice : 

" Well, I don't care if I do." 

That story never was finished ; and perhaps without 
that reliable biographer, Kit Clarke, should unravel the 
mystery, it will never be known what manager loved 
and wed under such romantic circumstances. Thus the 
hours sped on until the passengers who were to leave the 
city by the early morning trains began to appear. 




In Winter Quarters.—" lam a rich man's son in 
disguise," he cried. 

Gus Lee, the blonde clown, dilated upon his unacted 
tragedy. Burke had many a tale to spin of times when 
he served under the banners of J. M. French. So will 
pass away the winter nights until Spring time brings 
genial weather, and the settled roads invite them again 
to the tented field. 

Perchance, on warm days in early Spring time, the 
boys may air their straw hats and Summer clothes in 
front of the hotel, in hope that they may thereby induce 
the managers to start out the advance guard of adver- 
tisers and contractors, and commence the season a week 
sooner than had been expected. 

Again on the road, the first remittances for some 
weeks are to the landlord, to lessen the winter's score. 
The biting frost and chill autumn weather once more re- 
turns them to the cheerful fireside, the stories and the 
humors of tights and spangles " in winter quarters." 



16 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



THE CLOWN'S PEOTEGE. 



" How'dy, how'dy. Putting up the picture, aint ye V 
Fine set of printingjeu've got there, young men, seems 
to me. The colors are bright, and the drawings 'mazing 
good. The coming of you fellows with the bill wagon is 
better than any alminax for me. What takes my eye 
more'n all the rest, is that clown cut. I think that is the 
beautifulest one I ever see, except one, and that was 
when I was clowning myself. 

" Took me for a minister ? well, that wur a joke, by jove, 
ia ! ha ! I never spouted a minute in the pulpit in all my 
born days ; but I tumbled and made fun in the ring for 
more'n thirty years. They said I made them laugh, and I 
think it's better to laugh than to cry, don't you ? It's a 
great comfort to me to think that I've done something in 
my life to make the world happier, and to my thinking 
the happier they is the better they be. Ain't I detaining 
you? No? Glad to hear it. I'll tell you 'bout that cut. 
The story ain't a long one ; it's in one chapter, and ain't 
to be continued. Facts is what you want and not figures, 
though I've got the day and the date set down in a book 
home. That house yonder that looks so white and smart, 
with the green blinds on, is mine, and there the old 
woman and I are going to spend the balance of our days. 

'* When I come in that fall I had intended going home 
to spend the winter, but the managers concluded to play 
a season in one of the theatres, and so I made an en- 
gagement with them. One night I was going home from 
tke theatre. It was terribly stormy, and what from the 
snow on the walk and that which blinded my face, it 
was all I could do to get along ; it was bitter cold, al- 
though I was muffled up well. Pretty soon I come along 
to a side street that run out from Broadway ; it was a 
tough neighborhood in them days, as it is now. Just as I 
got against the lamp post a woman grabbed me by the 
arm and said : 

" ' For the love of heaven, stranger, quick, there's a 
woman dying — a real lady.' 

" I stopped an' looked at her. The gaslight shone in 
her face and I saw she was a bad one, but still there was 
something so dreadful earnest about her that I went 
with her, and all the while I kept thinking there might 
be some trick or trap about it. She stopped before a 
rickety, tumble- down house, but it were worse inside 
than out, as I found when I followed her up a dark stair- 
way feeling with my hands and following the sounds of 
the woman's footsteps. Before we got to the garret I 
could hear groans of pain and heavy breathing ; there 
was a few dying embers in an old fire place, and the 
attic chamber, which it was, were so cold that it made my 
teeth chatter ; the snow had sifted in through the worn 
roof and drifted in about the windows. After a while 
the woman managed to light a candle, and then I saw a 
sight 1 never shall forget. 

" ' Mister, don't judge her by me ; she was as pure as 
the snow that falls to-night.' 

" There was a board loose in the floor ; I ripped it up, 
and then another and another, and breaking them, threw 
them upon the embers, which we fanned into a flame 



that soon kindled a warm fire ; ^hen I pulled the mattress 
close up to the fire. 

" The light shone upon her face — she was dead ! 

" I thought morning never would come ; but at last it 
did. Then I sent the woman out for some food for the 
child ; after which she brought some wood, little bundles, 
in her hands, that she called ' poor folks ' cords.' While 
she was doing these errands I wrote a note to my wife on 
some blank leaves from my memorandum book. 

" It was a decent funeral, sir, but nothing grand, and I 
felt sad like when I heard the poor, wretched woman say 
that more than likely her bones would rest in the Potter's 
Field. Wife and I took the little one home, and for a 
long while it called for mamma, and worried a good deal ; 
but after a while it got contented and learned to call me 
Dad, and was so cunning, bright and beautiful that we 
loved it as if it were our own. 

" The woman in the tenement house told us that there 
used to come to see her a man, the dead woman's hus- 
band ; that she heard that he drinked and gambled ; after 
a while there was nothing seen of him, and then the 
young mother sank down until she died. There was a. 
package of old letters in a trunk in the garret — it was 
empty of almost everything else. I suppose that what 
she had possessed had been sold to keep the breath of 
life in the body of herself and child. There were letters,, 
in a man's hand, full of love, which had been writ to her, 
and there was one, a very long one, in a woman's hand, 
which commenced : 'Dear father,' which must have been. 
her own writing. It had never been opened, but was en- 
closed in an envelope addressed in a man's hand back, 
to her. 

"Woman's wits are ready. Wife said that the poor 
thing had married against her father's will, and he had. 
discarded her, and then she had been deserted to die in a 
miserable hovel. The baby girl grew prettier and 
smarter every day of her life, and from traveling 'round 
so much with wife and me, she took a great liking to the 
horses, and by and by I learnt her to ride. Why, sir, it 
was one of the takingest acts I ever seen in the ring, and 
I never clowned better than when I seen her dashing, 
around the ring without the least fear of danger. She 
called us father and mother, and we were very proud of 
her. I made her a present of the horse she rode, and 
put her salary in the bank, regular. 

" One day we made a stand in a big city, and I recollect 
standing at the door when the mayor passed in ; he was 
a fine looking, white haired old gentleman, and his wife 
and some other ladies made up the party. This was in 
the Summer time, and we were under canvas. The per- 
formance went off splendid, and nothing occurred until 
we come to the little one's act, and no sooner had she 
rode into the ring than the mayor's wife shrieked like, 
and fainted dead away. As she set on the seats well 
'round to the dressing room, they carried her in there. 

" When I came out of the ring with the little one the 
mayor was fanning the old lady, who sat on a camp stool 
as pale as a sheet. She beckoned the little one to her, and 
kissed her and cried as if her heart would break. I un- 
derstood it all then, and says I to wife, ' that's little one's 
grandfather and grandmother,' and so it was. 




The Clowx's Protege.—" She beckoned the little one to her, and kissed her.' 



18 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



" They claimed her, of course — little one was sensible. J 
We hated to part from her, but we knew it was best. ■ 
Wife and I cried, and little one cried, too. She took the 
pony, too, and has him now. 

" When I went out the Spring after, that little one 
asked me what I would like best in the world, and I told : 
her a new clown cut of my own. I've got one of them 
framed now, over at the house in the parlor there. 

H Little one — we call her little one yet — never forgets : 
the wife and me. These gold eye-glasses she give me, and 
specs of gold to wife, too. Eight side of the clown cut 
in the parlor over yonder is a beautiful picture of her, 
big as life and twice as natural. Little one is a great | 
lady where she lives, and rich — so rich that yon wouldn't i 
believe if I was to tell you. And you wouldn't think 
now, to see her riding in her own carriage, that she used | 
to ride in the ring while I clowned the act 

" The lots ? Why, that's my lot you are going to show ; 
on. You see I am quite a real estate owner, and then it 
gives encouragement for the managers so come this way, 
for I don't charge a cent for it. It makes me have the 
old spell come over me to see them bills. I'm half a 
mind to jump into the ring just for a day, to see how it 
seems." 



SAWDUST. 



One of the most touching Christmas stories penned by 
Charles Dickens was " Hard Times," many of the char- • 
acters therein, being " in the profession" and members of i 
.Sleary's Circus Company. It appears that this Bleary 
had much of the shrewdness of some of our latter day I 
managers, who disguise the name of circus by the title of 
4t , Aggregation " " Hippotheatron," " Equestrian Iusti- j 
tute," or " Zoolohippozonomadon," and floated a flag 
from his wooden temple advertising " Sleary's Horse 
Ridings." 

There are many Gradgrinds to-day who assume to look 
in scorn upon the circus and amusements of all kinds, 
who, reflecting no rays of sunshine themselves, throw 
dark shadows over all with whom they come in contact. 
Thomas Gradgrind was an eminently practical man, and 
when he caught his children, with the curiosity of youth, 
peeping through the boarding of " Sleary's horse riding" 
at the graceful equestrian Tyrolean flower act of Miss 
Josephine Sleary, he looked upon them as already half 
past redemption, and reprimanded them severely that 
they should have exhibited so much interest in the circle 
of the circus while the circle of mathematics and sciences 
were open to them. « 

<• I was tired, father ; I have been tired a long time," 
replied his daughter. And it was no wonder. She had 
been crammed with facts like an encyclopedia ; to be a 
cow was "graminivorous, ruminating quadruped with 
several stomachs," and the world a combination of con- 
chological. metalurgical and mineralogical substances. 

But Dickens takes a sweet revenge on the image of 
his father, and Thomas Gradgrind, as the romance went, 



lived to see his heir a clown in Sleary's show. He was 
not a jolly fellow, though, but a hang dog chap, and not 
the least way funny, which must have been more aggra- 
vating still to his paternal parent. 

Sleary's bill writer was as eloquent as Guilford, Hughes, 
or Crum, and delved as deep into the dictionary to un- 
earth words in which to express the immensity of his at- 
traction. The " nine oils" of.E. W. B. Childers, " the 
Wild Huntsman of the North American Prairies," would 
not heal the bruises that the school boys now-a-days re- 
ceive while attempting the feats that they see portrayed 
in many brilliant colors on the mammoth posters, and for- 
getting the bright examples of the historic page before 
them, burn, not to be a Washington, Jefferson or Adams, 
but the hero of the motley — a clown. 

It is a serious thing to be a clown and be funny. This 
poor Sissy Jupe knew to her sorrow, for her father got 
old and his jokes were threadbare and time-worn, like 
himself; the people no longer laughed and applauded 
with delight, and one night, when the audience " goosed 
him," he went away and left the little circus rider alone 
in the world. When she was questioned about her 
father she recollected how he came home and cried as if 
his heart would break because he was no longer funny : 
and Sissy Jupe always spoke the awful word " clown " in 
a whisper. 

Some of the profession are, perhaps, as improvident to- 
day as was Jupe, the clown ; and, when time creeps on, 
will share his fate by losing the favor of those roles once 
applauded to the echo. Others invest their surplus that 
they may enjoy old age or a rainy day out of their own 
treasure. 

Jupe was a clown " in the sere and yellow leaf," whose 
best days were gone and passed forever, and Tom Grad- 
grind a sour, ill-natured clown ; neither of them in the 
least like the clown of which I am going to write. 

There is not a happier or jollier fellow that dons the 
spangles and the motley than Billy Burke, the clown of 
James Robinson's circus. William is a russett blonde, 
fair to look upon, and a great admirer of the fair sex. 
Alas! how many fond hearts of maidens fair bleed for him.- 
But, like the roving sailor, in each new conquest, he for- 
gets the old. While eating supper one evening, appeasing 
a hearty appetite, created by the exercise in the ring 
during the afternoon, he was handed a note by the waiter, 
and, breaking the seal of the monogrammed and perfumed 
envelope, he read : 

" I gazed upon your manly form for the first time to- 
day. You are a stranger and you know me not, but I 
cannot tell you how deeply, kow wildly, how madly I 
love you. I feel that 1 must see you to know you, and 
with my own lips tell you how I pine for thee. I will see 
you to-night, after the performance. Await me at the 
door of the tent, and under the blue canopy of heaven, 
and naught but the moon and the twinkling stars shining 
down upon us, we will pass the hours away, our two 
souls melting into one. Your own, but unknown darling, 

" Matilde." 

The clown suddenly lost his appetite; his curiosity was 
aroused, and he longed to meet his strange admirer. To 
him that night's performance seemed to drag tediously, 
and iu his absence of mind he came near repeating the 
self-same " gags " several times. Before the last act was 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



m 




Sawdust.—" He gathered himself f° r one mighty effort and shot upward." 



finished in the ring, Burke was at the tent door, waiting 
for the love-lorn one. As the audience passed out he saw 
coming toward him a woman as fair as he had ever 
looked upon, and dressed with elegance and taste. 

She smiled a recognition and gave her arm in silence 
and they walked away from the town, down to where the 
pearly brooks that poets write of sing their way to swell 
the river. Thus far neither broke the stillness of the 
evening time, and they sat themselves down on a mossy 
knoll, just where the moonbeams stole their way amid 
the branches of a giant oak. 

None but a listener of the tales of love they told could 
divulge their sweet converse, and the clown was just 
picturing years of future wedded bliss, when there came 
a heavy crash through the brush, and the towering form 
of a man stood boldly forth in the moonlight. 

The fair Matilde gave a shriek and exclaimed : " My 
husband !" 

Up sprang the clown, and, with one bound, he sped 
away, but closely pursued by the enraged husband of the 
romantic wife. 

For a few moments the clown had the advantage, but 
at last the pursuer, who was fleet of foot, gained per- 
ceptibly. Their course lay toward the town, and Burke 
found himself confronted by a brook of considerable 
depth and width ; but he stopped not. As he neared the 
edge he gathered himself for one mighty effort arid shot 
upward — throwing a somersault in the air from the force 
of habit — and landed on the opposite bank, high and diy. 

The pursuing and irate husband stood appalled, not 
daring to make so terriric a jump for fear of landing in 
the middle of the stream , seeing which the clown and 
wag as well, cried out : 

" You can't do that, my friend, so don't try it. Give 
my love to Matilde, and tell her my advice is never to 
write love letters to circus clowns." 

In the gray of the morn, outside of the town, Billy 
Burke crawled on to the pole wagon and rode to the 



next stand, closely inspecting every approaching team,, 
fearing that it might contain the husband of the episto- 
lary and indiscreet Matilde. 

If Matilde sighed for Burke, the heart of the clown 
underwent no pangs for his hasty parting from her ; his 
recollections of the event are more ludicrous than other- 
wise, and he is as susceptible as ever to the melting 
glances of the beauties who admiringly watch his caper 
ings in the " sawdust." 



THE FAT SKELETON-THE BLOWER'S 
STORY. 



It was a quiet Sunday evening in the early fall, the 
place, the office of a small country-town tavern, made 
the more dull and stupid a place than ever by the monot- 
onous drip of rain without. The room was well filled 
and feebly lighted by an ill-trimmed kerosene lamp ; the 
rubicund faced landlord nodded in his seat upon the 
high stool behind the desk ; a flashily dressed, glib- 
speaking young man appeared to be the sole spokesman, 
and his auditors, half residents of the town and the rest 
strangers, listened attentively and without interruption. 

The day and night before, the circus had exhibited 
there, and the company as well as horses were enjoying 
a much needed rest. The entertaining Sabbath evening 
story-teller had the day before bestowed his eloquence 
upon the crowd while perched upon an end-upturned 
box at the entrance of a banner-adorned side show ad- 
jacent to the great tent, and invited their attention and 
patronage to the double-headed girl and the Egyptian 
snake charmer, which he described as handling "bore 
constructors" with impunity, and holding subject to his 
will all the venomous reptiles of the earth. 

The eloquent advertiser of the side show was in his 



20 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMOKS, ADVENT UltE AND EOMANOE. 



element — doing all the talking and none of the listening. 
The Baron Munchausen might in his day have spun quite 
a fair yarn, but he would have proved an unequal rival 
indeed for Blow-hard. 

After relating remarkable and incredible stories about 
elephants, lions, and all manner of wild beasts, he finally 
drifted off to wonderful medical discoveries, remarking 
by the way, that during his travels in South Africa he 
frequently saw the Hottentots gathering buchu for Dr. 
Helmbold, and picking Perry Davis' Pain Killer for the 
American market. 

11 1 tell you, gents," said the man eloquent, " the most 
remarkable medical man I ever met in the whole course 
of my extensive peregrinations, used to sell medicine 
along with a show that I was traveling with. I was a 
kid then, and butchered candy in the big show. The 
doctor was selling corn salve then, and doing a powerful 
trade at ninepence a lick. Of course you know there is 
always a set of fellows who hasn't any regard for med- 
ical science and full of their pranks, and they put their 
heads together to play a joke on him. Doc used to stand 
in a buggy, do his spouting and selling and operating on 
his patients, and the way be used to take out them 
corns was a circumstance. 

"Well, in this ere town, the name of which I can't 
just remember, the fellows got hold of a chap that had a 
patent leg and thought it would be a funny thing to get 
nim to set in the corn doctor's wagon and have the false 
foot operated upon for corns. Laugh ? Why I thought 
the crowd would burst when the one-legged chap pulled 
the stocking off that false foot. But the doctor never 
winced a bit, but applied the salve to the willow and 
steel foot, just the same as if it had been a natural one. 
" The best part of the joke is coming. About a fort- 
night after the operation in the corn doctor's wagon, 
the chap got up in the morning as usual, and you can 
guess how astonished he was when he saw five willow 
sprouts — one growing out of each toe — the thumb-toe 
the biggest and the stoutest of them all. You see what 
eaused it was the medicinal qualities of the corn salve 
acting on the willow wood and forcing it into life. The 
doctor explained it to me afterwards. The one-legged 
man was kind of naturally frightened like at first, but he 
saw through it after a while and broke off the sprouts ; 
but it was no use. As fast as he broke them off in the 
morning they growed out at night, just as fast as some of 
you have seen a pumpkin vine. 

" At last he got discouraged and saw that it was no 
use, and he threw the leg out of the window and it fell 
down along side of a stream that run close by the house. 
And ou that very spot there stands to-day, in one clump, 
five of the handsomest weeping willows that I ever set 
eyes on, and the big toe tree is bigger than any chestnut 
you've got in these parts." 

Upon the completion of this relation a hush fell upon 
the auditory, disturbed only by the trumpet-like snore of 
the slumbering landlord. No one volunteering to ques- 
tion Blowhard's veracity, he ventured to relate further, 
and resumed : 

" That same season we had a side-show along, which 
.had in it a living skeleton and a Sikassian gal, and I 



recollect it was doing a pretty strong trade, too. It's 
human nature to hanker after monstrosities, and people 
will run after them as they did after that skeleton ; he 
was the leanest specimen of humanity I ever saw— just 
as fat as a bean pole and twice as graceful. No wonder 
he was thin — he eat next to nothing. I've known him to 
live two weeks on one soda cracker, and then one-half of 
it would mold before it was used. 

"The skeleton was what drew the money ; but the at- 
traction in that side-show, in my eye, was the Sikassian 
gal. I'll tell you the truth: she was a rusher if she 
wasn't Russian, and I'm half a mind to think that she 
knew more about New Jersey than she did about the do- ' 
minion of the Czar. She was as handsome as a photo- 
graph, and the fellow that run the side-show was " heels 
over head in love," as the saying is, with her, but he had 
a rival, which was the very same corn doctor chap of 
which I have been telling you. 




The Fat Skeleton.—" Five willow sprouts, one grow- 
ing out of each toe." 

" The girl took a liking to both of them, which made 
the matter worse, and made them each exert himself the 
more to win her affections. 

"Now, science will tell as well in love as in war, and 
the doctor had too good a head on him to be out-gen- 
eraled by a side-showman. This doctor, you must know, 
had read books, and knew all about the chemical prop- 
erties and medicinal qualities of logwood, castor oil and 
cam-fire gum, and such drug shop stuff. I used to notice 
that every day he took the living skeleton into a res- 
taurant to dine with him instead of taking his meals at 
the hotel. He must have doctored the skeleton's food, 
for all of a sudden he commenced to fatten up in a most 
remarkable manner, and it wan't but a short time before 
his cheeks looked as if he'd been blown up with a quill, 
and folks would growl as they went out of the show and 
complain of it as a perfect sell, and the fattest and 
healthiest looking living skeleton they had ever seen. 

" The side-showman was in a terrible worry all the 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



21 



while, for he knew that his show was going to the dogs, 
and no one could explain the reason of it ; for no one 
but the corn doctor, who was laughing in his sleeve all 
the while, and grew more attentive to the Sikassian gal 
as the skeleton grew fatter. 

" The side-showman grew cross and mean, and one 
day when he popped the question to the Sikassian gal she 
refused him ; for she was a sensible gal, and saw from 
the way that business had been going that his finances 
were in a mighty weak condition. Well, when he come 
to get the mitten he just got up and dusted, and we 
never set eyes on him again, and I've traveled from 
Maine to Texas myself. 

" So the doctor married the Sikassian gal and run the 
side-show himself summers, and practiced medicine 
winters. His understanding gave him an immense ad- 
vantage. One season he'd exhibit the living skeleton 
as thin as a knife blade, and then during the winter he 
would fatten up till he weighed about four hundred, and 
then show him as the fat man. Talk about your doc- 
tors — you may believe me or not — but for me, I'd rather 
have that corn salve of his, for most any complaint you 
are a mind to name, than a barrel of your patent medi- 
cine that sells at a dollar a bottle." 

Just here the landlord awoke, and hearing an allusion 
made to medicine, commenced to relate his rheumatic 
experience, which occupied the time for the balance of 
the evening, much to the disgust of the gathering, and 
more especially the side-show blower. 



WITH TIGHTS AND SPANGLES. 



With the song of the thrush comes the circus with its 
glittering street pageant, golden chariots, gaily uniformed 
bands, and richly caparisoned blooded steeds, to amuse 
the people of town and country in our northern latitude. 
In the more congenial clime of the " sunny south " their 
tents are often spread in the Winter months. It was 
during one of these campaigns, " way down South in 
Dixie," in an obscure Georgia town, that I first met the 
individual to whom I am about to refer. Cotton was 
" down," a general financial depression was felt through- 
out the south-land, and there was a pretty close " cutting 
of cloth " all 'round among the managers and agents to 
" make both ends meet." With Charles H. Hall, then 
the advance agent of Laura Keene's Comedy Company, 
and formerly with Charles MacEvoy's Hibernicon, I 
called at the railroad office to negotiate reduced rates of 
fare over the road. The railway official was in close 
communication with a clerical-looking individual, who I 
at once took for the pastor of a local church arranging 
for a Sunday school excursion. He was dressed in 
solemn black, wore a vest buttoned to his throat, and dis- 
played no jewelry ; while meekness and piety seemed to 
ooze from every pore of his placid countenance. Judge 
of my surprise when the ministerial stranger recognized 
Hall, and I was introduced to Andrew Haight, of whom 



I had often heard in connection with the firm of Haight 
& Chambers. Mr. Haight was at this time contracting 
agent for the Stone & Murray Circus, and I frequently 
met him thereafter, as we worked our ways over the 
same lines of road Alabama-ward. 

Stone & Murray closed their season immediately after 
New Year's, and returned to New York to fit out for 
their northern tour. But Andrew Haight remained and 
connected himself with " G. G. Grady's Unprecedented 
Old Fashioned American Circus," until he met with P. 
B. Wooten, at Atlanta, Ga., and organized the Haight 
&, Wooten Circus, with which he made a forty-six 
weeks' season, before the termination of which Wooten 
withdrew from the firm. The Haight & Wooten show 
started from Atlanta, Ga>, but before the Summer was 
spent, explored the provinces of Nova Scotia and New 
Brunswick, and, traveling by rail, managed to avoid 
other parties in the main. At St. John, New Bruns- 
wick, Manager Haight, who was in advance himself, 
called upon the mayor of the town, one Charles Reed, 
the son of a royal father in the mother country. 

" Your honor," said the manager, bowing profoundly 
and sactimoniously, " we are coming to be with you for 
a little while, and I have called to consult you in regard 
to a license." ^ 

" Not necessary, sir," interrupted the mayor, at once 
mistaking the showman for a clergyman. " You are at 
perfect liberty to preach without a license." 

" But I don't want to preach," expostulated Manager 
Haight. 

" Pray, then, what do you want ?" interrogated the 
puzzled official. 

" I want," smiled Mr. Haight, benignly, " to secure a 
license for the Haight & Wooten Circus, who propose to 
exhibit here with your honor's kind permission." 

The mayor waited to hear no more, but broke forth 
with a heart}- laugh at his ludicrous mistake. When the 
account of the interview was related to the company, it 
was a question who laughed the loudest and longest, 
Durand, of the eloquent quill, Jacob Haight, or that 
great admirer of Byron's Mazeppa, George W. De 
Haven. 

The season of 1871 Stone & Murray, Haight & Wooten, 
G. G. Grady and some others, sent up hot-air balloons 
every day, with a venturous passenger, as an outside at- 
traction to draw the crowd to " the lot." This species 
of ballooning was much like a display of fireworks — at- 
tractive enough for the second, but the moment it was 
over and the descent made — arousing feelings of disap- 
pointment in the beholders, who were wont to enjoy a 
little growl. 

One afternoon, with Stone & Murray, the balloon 
failed to travel miles into the blue ether, and after reach- 
ing a moderate height made a rapid descent, much to the 
disgust of a Hibernian matron, who exclaimed : 

" Fust, and is it going no fudder up than that ?" 

" Whist," said a sister from the Old Bog, who stood at 
her side. "How far would you have it go for nothing V 

Another day, an individual who had brought to the 
ground with him a descriptive programme, in which the 
air ship was represented in red ink, complained that 



22 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMOKS, ADVENTUBE AND EOMANCE. 



the balloon was not the same color as that on the bill. 
Brilliant in color and capital in design are the mam- 
moth posters spread upon the bill board to attract the 
eye by the various circus companies and menageries. 

During the season it was the delight of Tom Barry, 
on a Sunday, in a rural burgh, to take a position near 
a large stand of bills, and listen to the remarks of the 
bystanders. If the performance had taken place on the 
preceding Saturday, he heard many a freely spoken com- 
ment upon the merits of himself and fellow perform- 
ers. One day, while eavesdropping, he heard the lit- 
tle group of citizens expressing themselves upon the 
performance and the performers. 

" They did everything on the bills," said one enthu- 
siastic admirer. 

" Let's see," proposed another ; and with that they 
commenced to walk the length of the bulletin board, 
saying as they went : 

"They did that," "and that," "and that, too," the 
clown following carelessly along unnoticed. Stone & 
Murray had in the stand a " rebus bill," somewhat dif- 
ficult to decipher, and before this they had paused for 
some moments in silence, while a shadow grew per- 
ceptibly over the face of the hitherto confident youth, 
who reluctantly and audibly admitted : 

"Well, I swow they didn't do that !" 

An opinion in which every one coincided, while the 
clown stole away to enjoy a quiet laugh by himself. 

If there ever existed a happy-go-lucky individual, he 
is embodied in Billy Burke, the clown, ever the same 
genial fellow ; it matters not to him whether the sun 
shines or is behind a cloud. After returning from his 
Summer's tour with James Robinson, he played an ex- 
ceedingly brief engagement with Dan Rice, and after- 
wards appearod for a few weeks at Lent's, in New 
York City. The balance of the Winter he lived at his 
ease — where so many of the profession centre — at the 
St. Charles Hotel. Among those who dropped in from 
day to day to chat with a friend, or the managers who 
were coming or going, was Ben Maginley, a famous 
jester and equestrian director, of Joel E. Warner & Co's 
show. 

The rotund humorist has a dog, a black, shaggy fellow, 
that is always at his heels, who soon came to be on fa- 
miliar terms with the waiters of the restaurant, who 
fed him as regularly as he appeared. It came to pass 
that the wicked Burke conspired against the digestion of 
that there dorg, and daily purloined from the table large 
quantities of rich cheese and fed it to the purp without 
the knowledge of his master. 

" How's your dog, Ben ?" asked Burke from day to day. 

" He ain't very well," replied the unsuspecting jester ; I 
think he eats too much." 

When his back was turned the dog was again crammed 
with cheese, while the head waiter could not understand 
how it was that the patrons of the restaurant, all of a 
Budden, ate so much cheese with their pie. 

What would have been the fate of that dog no one can 
tell, but fortunately Spring time came, and it became 
necessary for Burke to join " the show " at St. Louis. 
When he came to settle the Winter's score he found a 




With Tights and Spangles.—" How's your dog, 
Ben ?" asked Burke, from day to day. 

discrepancy of $3.50 between his memorandum and the 
account on the hotel books. 

" Let's run them ove;," suggested book-keeper War- 
ner. Thereupon they commenced running over the items 
until they came" to one in the bold hand of Landlord Le- 
land, which read : 

Cheese for Maginley's dog $3.50. 

The clown admitted the cheese, as he laughingly ex- 
claimed : 

" I wonder which got the worst of it, me or the dog?" 



PEATT'S PEEPLEXITY. 

4 

It was a party of rare spirits, ripe for misehief, who 
were wont to congregate during the winter of '71 within 
latitude of the genial warmth of the stove of the Saint 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



23 



Charles Hotel office. There might have been seen for 
many a night, until the hours grew small, Billy Burke, 
Dick Fitzgerald, " the Irish Lord ;" Frank Gibbons, the 
ladies' gymnastic pet ; Harry Hapgood, late director of 
the '^Bridgeport Minstrels," and former proprietor of 
the " Great American Hen Show," and my western agent 
friend, F. C. Pratt, who had the Summer before con- 
ducted affairs at the front with " G. G. Grady's Unpre- 
cedented Old Fashioned American Circus." Sometimes 
the "Watson Brothers dropped in and spun a yarn of their 
travels with Haight & Wooten, and all the Winter long 
there was a coming and going of shining lights in the 
varied constellations of the amusement world. 

Wild were the pranks that the boys played upon each 
other, and the writer confesses himself a victim to more 
than one good joke — somewhat practical, to be sure, but 
none the worse for that. New York was an unread book 
to friend Pratt, and he turned over a leaf every day to 
find something of interest to marvel at. When the night 
sessions came on he was there to explain the extraordi- 
nary qualities of his patent shoulder brace, and relate 
his experiences with " Varney's Dramatic Company " 
way out toward sundown, and explain what became of a 
portion of Grady's canvas " Down in a coal mine, " in 
Scranton, Pennsylvania. 

" About these days," quoting the almanac, Mr. Gannon 
opened a side-show on Broadway, near " Murderers' 
Rosw," close to the headquarters of " Reddy, the Black- 
smith." The several features had been brought down 
from the Barnum show, which had been exhibiting at the 
Empire Rink, and consisted of the learned seal, several 
cages of animals, the sleeping beauty — whose respiration 
was apparently regulated by a Jerome clock located in 
the bosom of the recumbent fair one. 

Hapgood had related for the ninety-ninth time his ver- 
sion of " that hair dye," and his highly enjoyable associ- 
ations with the nobility of Great Britain while connected 
with Rumsey & Newcomb's Minstrels ; then, with the 
artifice and craftiness of a diplomat, he turned the conver- 
sation and made the startling announcement that Bar- 
num's learned seal was nothing more nor less than a 
machine ; an absurd statement, at which Pratt exclaimed 
most warmly, avowing that its promulgator could be lit- 
tle less than an idiot. 

At this imputation Hapgood was in high dudgeon, and 
referred for the confirmation of his statement to every 
one presant, who, with one voice, substantiated every 
word of what he said, and expressed surprise that Mr. 
Pratt should be ignorant of a fact so generally known in 
the profession. 

Words raged, and the one-sided discussion became 
loud and prolonged. It was at last agreed that the mat- 
ter should be, referred to George Guilford, late director of 
publications of the Bailey show, whom every one knows 
to be perfectly familiar with every member of the ani- 
mal kingdom, from a ringtailed monkey to the great 
behemoth. Thereupon the meeting adjourned until 
morning. 

In the morning the genial Guilford was posted and well 
prepared to reply to the interrogatories of Pratt. Judge 
; of his surprise when the man of the quill declared that 



Barnum had never had a seal in his collection, and that 
in fact there was but a single one on the continent, and 
that was the property of " Old " John Robinson. Turn- 
ing away disgusted, Pratt sought his breakfast, and Guil- 
ford dropped down to the side-show and interviewed the 
doorkeeper, returning before his absence had been noted, 
and patiently waited for Pratt to finish his repast. 

" I say, Pratt," said Guilford, " as you don't seem to 
believe me, I'll tell you what you can. do — come down 
the street with me, and we'll leave the question to be de- 
cided by the doorkeeper ; of course you can rely upon 
what he says in the matter." 

Pratt was introduced to the keeper, and was allowed 
to ask his own questions. 

" Well, you see, Mr. Pratt," was the reply, " that is a 
pretty ticklish question to answer, and it would cost me 
my position if Barnum got wind of it. The way P. T. 
got into that clock business, was through this educated 
seal. He got acquainted with Chauncey Jerome while he 
was making the parts up in New Haven. You see he is 
as full of wheels inside as your watch is, and it is prob- 
ably one of the cutest contrivances ever invented. 
Barnum has made a power of money out of him, and 
fools the best of them just as it did you, though it is 
mighty tedious on the man that turns the crank." 

Pratt would hear no more, but turned on his heel and 
left Guilford and the keeper, fully satisfied in his own 
mind that they were a couple of incurable lunatics. 

Perhaps a week elapsed w T hen the learned seal was 
again recurred to, an'd numerous incidents related where- 
in the wool had been pulled over the eyes of the public. 

" Of course you know," said the veracious Hapgood, 
directing his conversation more particularly to Pratt, 
" that Tom Hodge's Zip edition of the ' What is it,' is 
generally believed to be of African blood." 

" So it is," interrupted Pratt ; " its nothing but a 
nigger." 

"Then I'm one," remarked Hapgood. 

" Well, I'm willing to admit that," conceded Pratt. 

" I am not much of a hand at betting," continued Hap- 
good, with a laugh at Pratt's sarcastic sally, " but, since 
you will be convinced at nothing, I'll bet the oysters for 
the crowd, and leave it to Tom Hodge himself." 

" I'll take that bet," exclaimed Pratt, jumping up. 

The bet was made, the statement repeated, and the 
conversation wandered off into another channel. The 
next day Hapgood sought Hodge and instructed him 
how to act his role satisfactorily, and Hodge agreed to 
be on hand that evening to decide the wager and the 
nationality of that remarkable nondescript, the " What 
is it. " 

Night came, and Hapgood guided Pratt to that popu- 
lar resort of the wearers of tights and spangles, kept fey 
Lafe Nixon, where Hodge was found perusing the even- 
ing paper. 

After chatting a while about the news of the day, the 
state of the weather, and the business that was being 
done by the " flat foot party " at the Grand Opera House, 
by Barnum at the rink, and the veteran Lent, at his old 
quarters in Fourteenth street, Hapgood approached the 



24 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AXD ROMANCE. 



subject by allusions to some of Hodge's experiences in 
tbe past. 

" Let me ask you one question?" querried the impa- 
tient Pratt, anxious to win the oysters. 

" Certainly," answered the agreeable Hodge. 

" Is Zip a nigger or not ?" 

At this question every one laughed uproariously, and 
loudest of all laughed Hodge. 

" Oh, I thought you knew all about that," returned 
Hodge. " I'm telling this to you not to go any further, 
for of course there are little secrets in the profession 
which every one shouldn't know, and are not to be 
blabbed on every corner." 




Being called upon to explain the mechanism of his 
patent brace, he demonstrated it upon the margin of a 
newspaper by a pencil drawing, which was passed 
around and critically examined by all, who exclaimed in 
almost one voice : 

" Did you get a patent on that ? Why, I saw the same 
thing when I was a boy." 

" Now, boys," protested Pratt, " I am willing to be- 
lieve for your sakes that negroes are white and that seals 
are run on the same principle as hand organs, but I know 
one thing — I invented that shoulder brace, and I'm going 
to get out of this confounded show business right away, 
and make a fortune out of it." 

" Now you may think," exclaimed Hapgood, " that 
you invented them braces, but they were originated years 
ago, and I'll bet you another oyster supper that Uncle 
John Tryon and Joe Pentland wore them before you was 
born." 

Pratt hesitated for a moment and then exclaimed, 
amid .shouts of laughter, that went around the table : 

" But who will you leave it to ?" 



THE ELEPHANT KEEPEE'S STORY. 



Pratt's Perplexity.— " The Learned Seal." 



" ' Am I a showman ?' Well, yes ; should reckon I 

was. Ben in the business goin' on these forty years ; 

never a day in the nigger minstrel line or theatre acting, 

but always in the legitymate. ' Legitymate V what's 

that ? Why the circus and the caravan. 

Every one was attention, and Pratt hitched impatiently I " • How did I commence ?' As a kid, stranger. You 

about, while Hodge pulled away quietly at his cigar, see I wasn't limber and spry, and wouldn't never make a 

After quite a pause, he said : i tumbler or a rider, and I was too demycratic in my pol- 

11 Between you and me, Pratt, Zip is white, and we itics to black myself up for a nigger in the side-show. I 



black him up twice a day." 

"It's*a lie, a thundering lie," shouted Pratt, "and 
you are worse idiots than the ' What is it/ tbe whole 
pack of you." 

Oysters were now in order, and the boys immediately 
began to " nominate their choice," while Pratt protested 
in vain that he had not lost the wager, and that it was 



a " put up job." Mr. Hodge was overwhelmed at this { 
sweeping denunciation, and called upon good-natured 
Charley Pell to bear witness to his truth and veracity. 

Soon the oysters came smoking on the table, and Pratt 
inquired if there was not some gentleman present who 
would oblige by convincing him that the bivalves before 
him were " clams," and it was his earnest hope that they 
would produce in every partaker thereof the most dread- 
ful results of colic and night-mare combined. But noth- 



allers was a remarbably musical child, and could tell 
1 Yankee Doodle ' and ' Hail Columbia ' the minute they 
fifed and drummed them gineral training days. 

" My first season I ground out music on the organ in 
the side-show, helped put up and take down the tent, 
sold candy and peanuts on the seats in the big show, 
and drove the side-show team from one stand to t'other. 
I think if I'd gin my 'tention to the oprey when I was a 
young 'un I would have made a hit ; next season I 
pounded the big drum in the band ; and Sam Long, the 
clown, what's got to be a vet' ran now, told me one day 
that I was the sweetest base drummer he ever heard in 
all his days. 

" Sam used to sing, ' I stand before you once't again ; 
then just as he does to-day ; I recollects lots of them old 
fellows, and if I could write like some of them chaps that 



ing of the kind was visited upon the wretches, for they lies like all possessed in the papers an' the bills, I'd make 



enjoyed the repast hugely, smacked their lips thereat, and ■ a book like Barnum's, only a much sight larger 
said u good !" 

" I would recommend to you all," said Pratt, " a pair 
of my patent shoulder braces — they are very useful in 
making crooked ways straight, though I fear that a gross 
a piece would hardly make you capable of telling the 
truth." 



When 
them printer men was gittin' up that twelve sheet ele- 
phant bill, you see over yonder, I dropped inter give the 
pints of the animal to the artist ; an' the boss sez ter 
me : ' When you write that book, I'll get up the picture 
for you.' 

" I never had the gift of gab, or else I might have been 




The Elephant Keeper's Story. — u Quicker than iightnen he tHrowiid up his trunk anl mashed tho 

murderiu' devil into atoms." 



26 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



a side-show blower, which is more remoonerative than 
driving baggage wagons. But since I've got so old I a'nt 
so ambitious as I used to was, and am pretty content to 
be an elephant keeper. 'Praps you doesn't know the 
'stinguished serciety that I meets in my travels with the 
great moral show. You'd be 'stonished to hear how lam- 
ed I talk to the ministers and lawyers and the college 
folks ; fact, stranger, I've got in sech a habit of lying that 
its hard work to tell the truth. 

" When they asks me if I have been in Africa, I says 
yes, an' I lells them that I was intermately 'quainted with 
DuChally and Dr. Livingstone, an' they swallers every 
word of it. I don't think anything could indoose me to 
go into that country, for I'm dead set agen niggers, Tom 
Hodges, ' Zip,' an' all the rest ; fact, wouldn't let a black 
barber shave me more'n I would that big baboon over in 
that cage t'other side. 

" How did I come to be an elephant keeper ? — that was 
what I started to tell you, but I've got such a habit of go- 
ing round, that it allers takes me more or less time to 
come ter the pint. You know that it is not every bridge 
that will bear up the weight of a heavy old feller like him, 
an' then, in consequence, you has ter go roun. Now, what 
I is a going to tell you is true ; I isn't no newspaper edi- 
tor or show agent what it is impossible to tell the truth. 
I never lies, 'cept in a professional way, an' then its be- 
cause it seems to give so much satisfaction. 

" My memory isn't good as ter figgers, and I never kept 
a dairy to sot things down in ; 'twas considerable many 
years ago at any rate ; that season I recollect I was dri- 
ving the pole wagon, an' a right mean job it was, too, po- 
king along through a strange country and making long 
drives. We had this same elephant then, an' I suppose 
if the truth was known he's as much if not more'n a hund- 
red years old. Jasper Birch was his keeper then, and a 
right smart chap he was ; he writ a beautiful haud and 
spoke like a legislature, an' I tell you he knew what he 
was talkin' 'bout, he did ; his head was as full of laming 
as a dictionary. I 

" Our principal woman rider that season was the old 
man's prentice, Evaline ; that's all they called her ; if she 
had any other name I never heered it. She was a young 
an' hansome thing, an' the boss sot more on her than 
everything in the world ; even the performing lions or the 
old elephant, by which he set great store. There wasn't 
a single feller in that company but what set his cap for 
the riding gal. Ride ! why she could ride a storm ; I 
never seen anything equal it afore or sence. I ain't asha- 
med to say, stranger, that I was kind of soft that way 
myself, an' once I came near turning pole wagon and all 
upside down over an embankment jest because I was 
thinkin' of her. It was strange, but there's never no 
'counting for a woman's love, and she seemed to think a 
heap more of Jasper Birch than all the rest ; he wasn't 
no common fellow like me ; he warn't no more like me 
than I'm like George Washington. 

" Jim Blood was our boss canvas man that same season. 
He was a mean, ugly critter, an' his name oughter ben 
Badblood, as you will diskiver before I get through with 
this yarn. I am a scholard to what that chap was ; I 
don't bleve he knew A from Z, an' come to recollect I 



read the programme the very week we started out. Poor 
Doctor Jones writ that bill. Didn't know him ? Sorry ; 
will show you that bill if you want ; got one in my verlise 
at the tavern. 

" He was mad in love with Evaline, the riding gal, an r 
of course she didn't care a pin for the great brute ; how 
could she ? Jim Blood was a surly chap, an' at times he 
drinked — licker is a bad thing ; it riles up the evil natur 
in a man ; I spose because he loved the gal so an' he didn't 
receive any incouragement he drinked more. If I keep 
on talkin' in this way I'll be off the turnpike and taking 
a side road. One night, it was just after the big show, 
Jim Blood was bileing with drink and had been sour an r 
cross-like all day * I reckerlect he giv the old man sass 
that day ; I never heered him do it afore, but he was a 
vallereble man an' the boss said nothin. 

" Jasper Birch laid down by the side of the elephant in 
the soft hay, to get a little snooze before making an early 
start for the next stand. Jim Blood saw him fast asleep, 
an' it put murder in his heart. He went and got his 
sledge and crept up close to where Jasper lay sleeping. 
True, stranger, every word I'm telling you. Jim Blood 
was a powerful, strong fellow, an' had almost as much 
muscle as the cannon-ball performer. He stood right 
over Jasper Birch a minute, to make sure an' sartin of 
his blow, an' then he swung the sledge right up inter the 
air. A second more and the elephant keeper would have 
been a dead man. 

"The old elephant saw it, an' quicker than lightnen he 
throwed up his trunk and mashed the murderin' devil in- 
to atoms. Why, he nigh onto broke every bone in his 
body. 

" Every night Evaline used to run out of the dressing- 
room an' bid Jasper good night before he started on his 
travel to the next town, an' she seen the hull on it. * * 
Sakes me ! its getting late, an' I must be starting. There 
was a crowner's jury sot, an' the verdict was — 'James 
Blood came to his death by gittin' hit of an elephant's 
trunk.' They exonerated the elephant, and at the same 
time said that circusses an' menageries were a very on 
moral thing. 

" It want long after that 'fore Jasper and Evaline were 
married, and that was the last 6eason they traveled. 
When I was in York I saw his store with his name in 
gold over the door. He saw me stareing in the windows 
an' come out an' pulled me in, an' I went up an' tuk din- 
ner wid him an' Evaline ; sech grub an' sech fixins' I 
never saw ; she's a real lady, an' never put on no more 
airs than when she used to jump through the balloons and 
over the banners. They asked me a thousand questions 
about the old elephant, and wished that they had a photo- 
graph of him. I recullected that, and the next day I 
went down to Sammy Booth's an' got a twelve sheet bill 
of the old elephant, an' tuk it up ter her an' him, an' they 
wus dreful tickled. 

"Jasper wanted me to come and porter about his store, 
but I told him I was much obliged, I didn't believe I'd 
make much of a fist in mercantile life, and I'd stick to 
his old friend, the elephant. 

" Good by, stranger, good by ; I've got a long road 
ahead an' have got to leave the pike an' take the by-road. 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMOES, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



27 



Why don't these slack-men an' crowners that says cir- 
cuses an' menageries is unmoral make their bridges safe 
an' not go to riskin' a feller's life. Good by stranger, 
good by." 

Elephant and driver disappeared in a cloud of dust in 
a very few moments, but his voice could be heard for 
some time, urging forward the massive beast with his 
cheery " mile up, mile up !" 



ANCIENT & MODEEN TBOUBADOURS. 



It would be a wide stretch of the imagination, indeed, 
to see in the persons of the sturdy hand organist and his 
female companion the romantic troubadours of the age 
of chivalry, — to picture in him Gaucelen Faudit, who 
paid court to Mary of Ventadour, < the reigning beauty of 
Auvergne and the Limousin, and who was a follower of 
Cceur de Leon. Neither is she who thumps the tambour- 
ine so vigorously and unmusically a counterpart of Gugli- 
elnia Monia of Soliers, a lady of noble birth, who sang 
]ike a bird and was as beautiful as a dream. Our mod- 
ern troubadour has an extra attraction in the shape of an 
educated monkey, or some comical mechanical figures, as 
obedient to the wire-pulling of the operator as the voter 
to the bidding of the politician. 

Prominent among those who traverse the land to make 
the open air vocal with sweet sounds, and quite as popu- 
lar with the people, are the nostrum venders, who extol 
their remedies with eloquent tongue, and poetically and 
musically sing their virtues and renown. Sometimes 
standing upon a box, conveniently placed at a prominent 
street corner, to the harmonious " trum, trum" of the 
banjo ; and again in a gorgeously painted and elaborately 
gilded and decorated vehicle, drawn by high mettled char- 
gers, wherein a quintet in turn sing, eulogise and lecture 
upon the merits and pain-relieving qualities of their cure- 
alls. It requires a degree of " cheek" to stand up in the 
highway and sing and talk to the multitude, and be ready 
with good natured repartee to the smart remarks of the 
crowd. 

A popular minstrel I knew of, but wbose name I with- 
hold on account of his " high connections," once returned 
from a tour as unsatisfactory in its results as that of 
Gaucelen Faudit's to the Levant. It was in the summer- 
time — the local minstrel bands were touring it in the 
country, and in the variety thertres all was silent and 
deserted. 

Opportunely, as it were, "Old Hickory" Slauson — who 
once did juggle programmes with LaRue's Minstrels in 
the days of that company's prosperity, when it numbered 
"tweniy- -four artists," and was piloted by Charles B. 
Griste — dropped into Gotham from up the Hudson, in 
search of talent. Old Hickory had become a troubadour, 
having retired from the show business since his memor- 
able campaign with " S. O. Wheeler's Circus," and 
" solidified perfume" was the article in praise of which 
he sang and picked the banjo. 



Having prospered as an itinerant vender, and wishing 
to preserve a voice — perhaps originally designed for the 
opera— he sought a vocalist and manipulator of the Afri- 
can harp, and our friend he found, and for several days 
he was missed from our circle. Broadway knew him no 
more ; and up the river which Hudson sailed, in its pleas- 
ant little cities, orated and tunefully woke the banjo in 
the interest of "solidified perfume." "Old Hickory" and 
the minstrel. The latter was ill at ease, fearful of recog- 
nition, but the position was preferable to following an 
over-worked lunch route, therefore he continued on, al- 
though no Guglielma Monia was enticed by his dulcet 
notes to leave the convent's walls and follow his fortunes. 
Better days have come to the minstrel since then, but 
" Old Hickory" is still eloquent for solidified perfumes. 

A genius in the medicine line is Tom Jackson, known 
far and near as " Bloody Tom." Tom had long followed 
circuses and menageries, disposing of corn - cures and 
other relievers of human ills, but the triumph of his 
genius was in the discovery of "Sealoleum." 

Dropping into a saloon one day, to partake of a little 
stimulant, Tom saw on exhibition, in a tank of water, a 
live seal. " Here" reasoned Jackson within himself, "is 
an attraction that discounts a wagon-load of musicians 
and singers." The proprietor of the establishment wai 
interviewed, a bargain struck, and " Bloody Tom " be- 
came the proprietor of the seal. Out of his treasures he 
fished a pamphlet describing the habits of the animals to 
be found in a popular menagerie, and "read up" in regard 
to the seal, preparatory to holdin forth to the public. 

As the medicine-man conjectured, the bait took ; the 
amphibious native of the Arctic clime attracted the crowd, 
and Tom and his assistant waxed eloquent over the new- 
ly discovered cure for pain. As at the menagerie, the 
special attraction was the feeding lions. It was announ- 
ced from time to time that the multitude might be in- 
duced to wait or return to witness the delegate from 
Alaska eating his fish. Everybody with an ache or pain 
bought "Sealoleum," and others bought it to "keep in 
the house," against a time of need. "Bloody Tom," like 
Gaucelen Faudit in the days of his prosperity, waxed fat, 
saucy aud indolent. 

One day I came upon him near the market, in Charles- 
ton, S. C. It was the same seal, the identical Jackson, 
but somewhat changed in outward appearance. He 
looked more like Gaucelen Faudit after his return from 
Palestine than the successful inventor of a great panacea. 
Slipping away from the crowd and leaving his assistant 
to continue the sale and praise of "Sealoleum," he walk- 
ed a little away and said : 

" Things have been going a little queer lately ; you know 
when I am making money I spend it ; you can't keep your 
cake and eat it too, and, just my luck, everything has 
been going the wrong way since I struck the southern 
country. In the first place, there has been no end of li- 
censes to town, county and state, and every time I see an 
official-looking chap coming this way I immediately pull 
out my pocket-book and ask him ' how much it is V 

"A long while ago, I put the manufacture of the medi- 
cine into the hands of a firm, for I found it a bother and 
a waste of time to putter with putting it up myself. Just 



28 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AXD ROMANCE. 



as I was getting into the hole, and mighty hard up, along 
comes a batch here, C. O. D. for the whole bill, which 
took every cent I could scrape, and, just as if that warn't 
enough, they had altered the prescription to suit them- 
selves, and — and just look at that!" holding out his great 
hands, indelibly stained a chrome yellow color. 

"Now who is there," asked Tom, "that's agoin' ter git 
up and be operated on when they see our hands stained 
like that? Why, even the niggers kick agin it, and they 
will make the greatest squeal for a little pain as any peo- 
ple I knows on. I have got another batch ordered to 
Savannah, made 'cordin' to the old recipe, and if I could 
only raise the wind to get out of here, I know Dan Mac 
Connell would see me right over there about the licenses 
and getting the stuff out of the express office." 

" Bloody Tom " was silent for a moment, and then he 
said, hesitatingly : 

" I was never in a fix that I didn't get out of yet. I 
know it's a good deal to ask you, but I have got an idea 
in my head that will take me out of Charleston. You 
know I used to follow the circuses and sell corn-salve. 
Now if you will just go round the corner here, witb me, 
to the office of the Sunday Times, and tell Joe DeLano 
that you will be responsible for a thousand small bills, I 
will put on this market to-morrow morning a " Concen- 
trated Sealoleum," which shall remove corns, and if that 
fails me, why let Joe DeLano, the landlord and you draw 
cuts to see who shall own the seal." 

Who could have the heart to refuse so inventive and 
persistent a genius ? Before night the bills were off the 
press, and that night, at his room in the Pavilion, "Bloody I 
Tom" prepared his new-named remedy. 

About noon, curiosity led me down Meeting-street, and 
there, on the corner, was the "great medicine man" ta- 
king out the corns and pulling in the quarters. Amid the 
crowd, admiring the impudence and cleverness of the 
shrewd Yankee, stood Joe Jefferson, the famous come- 
dian, who was spending a day or two at the Charleston 
Hotel, near by. No sooner had he turned his back and 
passed out of hearing than " Bloody Tom" exclaimed : 

"Ladies and gentlemen, there has just left this crowd 
the famous comedian, Joe Jefferson ; he highly recom- 
mended Sealoleum, both in its liquid and concentrated 
form. He could not play ' Rip Van Winkle' withoutit ; 
and if there is any one here that doubts my word, go 
round to the Academy of Music and ask Laura Keene 
what she thinks, and I assure you her answer will be, ' I 
would not be without it for the world.' " 

Then followed a rush of the fifteenth amendment ele- 
ment, who passed up their quarters at a lively rate. 
Leaving the assistant to take the stamps, Tom withdrew, 
beckoning me to follow, and stopped a little distance off 
to show Joe DeLano's receipt for the printing. 

Tom reached Savannah in due time, and I saw him 
there dispensing "Sealoleum," remarking, sotto voce, as 
he addressed the mixed gathering, "the concentrated in 
case of an emergency." 

For what I know, he is still singing in city and hamlet 
the virtues of his life -preserving and health -promoting 
remedy. 



THE FLYING MAN. 



THE BOSS CANVASMAN'S STORY. 



"Am I the manager? Well, that is a joke. Me the 
manager ! Look at that hand : better for swinging a 
sledge than wearing kid gloves. I'm the boss canvasman, 
Sir. I don't brag, but they do say there's no better in 
the business. Ask O'Brien, F?repaugh, Murray, or any 
of 'em. 

" Good show ? Yes, Sir ; that is to say, good for now- 
a-days — something of an old fogy, Sir, like all the rest of 
the old fellows. Good Clown, you say ? Well, no — not 
to my liking ; too feared of spiling his clothes. I like to 
see a fellow what tumbles 'round the ring and makes the 
people holler. My 'pinion is — and I give my 'pinion for 
what it may be worth — that if these Shakespearing jest- 
ers keeps on, the next thing we knows on will be Edwin 
Booth spouting Hamlet in the ring. 




The Flying Man.—" He sailed right up in the air." 

" Praps you may be right about that ; I guess, on the 
whole, the up-in-the-air business has improved ; but, tush, 
its nothin' to what I seen oncet with my own eyes. 

" Mind tellin' you ? Oh no, I'm not busy now ; I never 
have told this story but oncet before, and then I got laugh- 
ed at for my pains, but seemins you are in arnest about 
it, I'll tell you. 

" She was a fernambulist— that is, she walked a tight- 
rope clean from the ground to the top of the tent, and 
danced on a rope in the show. She was Spanish, an' her 
eyes were black as night, an' there was more than seven 
devils in them, as any one could see. We never knew 
much about her ; but I heered as how she was married 
oncet an' hated her husband like pizen, an' one windy day 
she let drop her balancing-pole an' it dashed out his brains. 
It were accidental, in course, they said. 

" I hate a wicked woman more nor a snake, I do ; an' 
if some day she'd capsized and broke her miserable neck 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



29 



I shouldn't have cried a cry. We had a young tumbler 
and gymnast in the company ; he war a splendid feller, 
blonde — like Lidy Thompson— and curly haired ; he come 
from Astley's, and was as smart as a cricket. He was 
dead in love with the tight-rope walker, but she didn't 
care a pin for him, and it made me feel sorry to see him 
carrying himself on so a. wasteuing his 'fections on a 
wicked woman. 

11 One day, after the afternoon performance, I happened 
to be about the canvas, and hearing voices, and being 
curious-like, I peeped into the dressing-room. All the 
performers had gone 'cept the Spanish woman and the 
gymnast. It made my blood bilo wheti I heered him tell 
her that he loved her, and I felt just like hitting him with 
a sledge when he dropped on his knees, right there, and 
begged her to marry him — and she refused him. 

" I thought his heart would break. After a little while 
I heard her say, in broken Spanish — she didn't speak good 
English, you see — that if he would fly like a bird she 
would marry him. How wicked she looked out of them 
dreadful eyes as she said that. He said that he would, or 
he would die. "Weeks and months he practiced; no 
sooner were the canvas up in town than he was in the 
ring, and nights after the show I would keep the canvas 
up for him half an hour, that he mighfcshow the Spanish 
woman how he progressed. Everybody in the company 
wondered at -his ambition, but you see there was only 
three of us that knew the secret ; at last he made me his 
confidant, and told me just what I already knew. 

" One day he comes to me an' sez, ' I can do it ; to- 
night I'll show you.' Thinks I to myself, young man, 
you're gone in the upper story, certing. After the per- 
formance, that afternoon, I went up town an' stopped 
into a coffin shop ; the undertaker asked me if I had lost 
a friend ; I told him no, but, says I, confidential-like, I 
expect there'll be a first-class funeral in this town in less 
than twenty-four hours. That was the long-windedest 
performance that night I ever seed. I thought it wonld 
never come to an end, and when it was over the people 
were for ever getting out of the canvas. 

" After awhile the canvas was empty, an' there was no 
one left inside but me, Frank, and the Spanish woman ; 
the moon shone outside and wo had a lantern inside, so 
that it was entirely dark in the tent. 

" Frank had a laugh all round his face, and the Spanish 
woman bit her teeth clean into her lips, and I could see 
that she trembled like. We were going to show in the 
same town next day, and the seats were left standing. 
Frank run up on the top seat as spry as a squirrel ; when 
he got there he turned round and kissed his hands to us, 
an' then he jumped right up into the air. I shut my eyes, 
instinctive-like, and she clung to my arm and trembled 
like a leaf. 

" When I opened my eyes again he was way up in the 
air, flying about the centre-pole just like any bird ; then 
he would shoot down, head first, almost to the ground, 
and then sweep up to the top of the canvas. It made me 
sick and dizzy-like to look at him, and she covered up her 
eyes with her hands. By an' by he lit down beside us, 
and took her hand in both of his and asked : 

"'Are you satisfied V She gasped like, and set her 



fingers into my arms until they were black and blue for 
weeks. 

" 'No, no,' she said, ' it is a deception ; you could not 
do it outside the tent !' 

" He smiled like, and said he, ' Come out-side, I will 
show you ;' and we three went out in the moonlight. It 
was beautiful like, and I shall never, never forget that 
night if I lived a hundred years. He went upon the seat 
of a baggage wagon at the end of the lot; we stood un- 
der a big tree, which made a dark shade like, but I could 
see that her face was white like a corpse, and there was 
not a speck of blood in her lips. Frank gave a whoop, 
and then he sailed right up into the air like a balloon ; 
three times he flew about the flag that flew on the centre 
pole, and then he turned and lit right in front of where 
we stood. 

" ' Do you believe it now V asked Frank. She couldn't 
speak; her teeth was set like ; he reached out his hand 
to take one of hers; she drew back close to me and said: 
'Keep back! keep back! Don't touch me ! I don't love 
you!' 

" He looked sad like and said nothing, while his chest 

heaved powerfully. Just that minute I happened to think 

I had a letter in my pocket for him. I had got it at the 

post-office on my way to the canvas to supper, and had 

forgotten to give it to him. When the postmaster gave 

j it to me, I did not notice that it was in mourning ; but as 

I I took it from my pocket then I saw that the envelope 

was mourning edged, and covered with post marks and a 

I foreign stamp. When Frank saw it he said 'Death!' — 

terrible, terrible solemn like, and his fingers trembled as 

• he opened it. 

" He stepped into the light of the moon and read it to 
himself. It was plain writ and in bold black hand. 

'"Sad news this,' said he, 'my father is dead. We 
wore stranged years ago ; the story is a secret of my own ; 
this is from his solicitor to say all his estate — he was rich 
— is left to me.' 

"When he said this, she pulled away from me and 
threw her arms about his neck : slowly he untwined them 
and pushed her from him, saying, ' You do not love me — 
I hate you now V 

" She would have fallen to the ground had I not have 
caught her. ' Look ! look ! ' said Frank, frightened like ; 
and I saw oozing from her set white teeth a streak of 
blood and froth. 

" 'Poor thing/ said he ; and he pitied her, for he had a 
good heart in him, he did. She died in my arms, there, 
with the moon shining right in her white face. We car- 
ried her to the hotel, and there was a great commotion. 
The doctor said that she died of a bursting of a blood- 
vessel, superindooced by violent exercise on the tight-rope; 
and afterwards he printed a pam'flet on the onhealthiness 
of rope walking. 

" To my thinking, it was her bad heart that broke. 

" What become of the flying man ? He went back to 
England, and I never heard of him again. I calkerlate 
he is a dook or a lord there. If he hadn't been of sech 
blood he'd made his fortune as the Flying Man." 



30 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMORS, ADVENTURE AND ROMANCE. 



THE ONE-MAN SHOW. 



In the amusement world we may term the popular 
lecture the one-man show. At the same time, some of 
the most popular stars in the lecture field are of the gentler 
sex, and of some of the more advanced progressionists 
and advocates of women's rights the gender might be 
omitted without offence. The traveling phrenologist, who 
holds forth in country school-houses and church base- 
ments, and the worn-out divine who prates learnedly of 
lands and people whom he never saw, gain a living in a 
more uncertain and precarious way than their fellow- 
showmen. The admission being " free," the amount of 
receipts depends entirely upon the generosity of the hear- 
ers when the deacons and the selectmen pass round the 
tile. Among the " successful people," as Olive Logan 
would call them, are to be named the cold-water hero, 
Gough, the eloquent Beecher, the fair Dickinson, the 
sable Douglas, the humorous Twain, and the lamented 
Artemus Ward. 

The lecturer and lecturess have their intelligence office, 
the same as the actor, the minstrel, and the acrobat have 
theirs in the dramatic agency. The " Bureau " fills the 
time for the people who are willing to enlighten the world 
for sums varying from fifty to one hundred and fifty dol- 
lars per night. But there is a lack of drawers in that 
u Bureau," and far too many sticks in its construction. 
It is to satisfy a morbid curiosity that many are elevated 
to the rostrum. The people flock to the public hall or 
church to see the author of " The Leaping Frog," and 
find themselves amused by the funny Mark Twain. They 
don't care a snap for the readings of Harriet Beecher 
Stowe, but wish to gaze upon the authoress of " Uncle 
Tom's Cabin." Barnum is looked upon as a greater curi- 
osity than the mermaid or the " What Is It," while he 
tells some sound truths about " making money." 

Often the patron of the one-man show is doomed to 
bitter disappointment. A Holland reads a dry disserta- 
tion, an hour and a half long, with his nose pinned close 
to his MSS., while the audience slumbers through the 
homily. No sooner does an individual obtain a litlte no- 
toriety as a humorous writer than he becomes a comic 
lecturer. Josh Billings has written many a quaint truth 
and tickled thousands into laughter with his pen, but 
when he comes to peddle his "Milk," or " Putty and Var- 
nish" to an audience he is the most solemn of funny men ; 
the putty fails to stick, the varnish is without gloss, and 
the milk very watery and chalky. The gift to gab enter- 
tainingly is given to but few, and, as is usually the case, 
is more than equally distributed among the fairer portion 
of creation. Olive Logan and Annie Dickinson tattle 
charmingly ; but the latter will persist in^dragging in poli- 
tics, which have no more business in a woman's mouth 
than navy plug-tobacco. 

The stage, the rostrum and literature are oft the refuge 
Of unsuccessful people— a sort of asylum or hospital for 
those who, being at their wits' end, haunt managers, fill 
the waste-baskets of editors, and blat their crudities be- 



fore literary associations, when opportunity offers. De- 
funct actors and actresses "read ".after they have outlived 
their popularity and usefulness in " holding the mirror up 
to nature," instead of retiring upon the laurels of th# 
past. 

The most successful and entertaining one-man show 
ever given in America was by Artemus Ward. Whether 
in the lectures, "Sixty Minutes in Africa" and "The 
Ghosts," or in describing his panorama, he may be re- 
membered as " the funniest of them all." Poor Artemus 
sleeps, but the recollections of his humors and comical 
conceits survive him. He was the wit, the humorist, the 
jester, and the minstrel end-man combined in one. He 
was alive with uncontrollable, mischevious fun, that 
granted him a full pardon for his shocking attacks upon 
the English tongue. His madcap pranks have not half 
been told, for many of them are in the keeping of his 
minstrel friends, with whom he loved so well to associate^ 
E. P. Hingston has happily sketched his career in the 
" Genial Showman," and John P. Smith, long his agent 
and companion, could w T ell prepare a second volume. 

Agent and manager were well matched in Ward and 
Smith. John P. was and is a most excellent story-teller, 
possessing an inexhaustible supply of incident and fact in 
connection withipinstrelsy in its earlier days. Artemus* 
finances were none of the best when Smith started out 
to pilot him, for the humorist was too free in his nature 
to be overburdened with lucre ; but Fortune, fickle jade, 
smiled upon them, and they journeyed westward, winning 
both dollars and additional fame. The "show" was an- 
nounced for Cincinnati, and John P. returned to Porkop- 
olis to meet the man with the "wax figgers" and consult 
as to the movements of the future. Business was satis- 
factory, and Artemus, in his best humor, fairly outdid 
himself in his eccentric sayings. All Cincinnati was in 
a state of chronic cachination, and it was impossible du- 
ring Ward's engagement for the undertakers to fulfil their 
necessary engagements with the required gravity. The 
stingiest of parents became over-generous, and but for 
the termination of the "lecture" would have increased 
the juvenile mortality by too free indulgence in confec- 
tionery . 

Artemus was so well satisfied with himself that he al- 
lowed Smith to relate again and again all his standard 
reminiscences of the Christys, Charley White, Kunkle, 
and himself, but all the while the wicked wag was watch- 
ing his opportunity to punish his agent for the infliction. 
One night, returning from Mozart Hall at the conclusion 
of the lecture, John P. began to relate an anecdote of 
Tony Hernandez, the genius of pantomime, when he was 
interrupted by Artemus, who said, pointing to a broad- 
shouldered chap, of the plug-ugly order, who sat straddle 
of a fire-plug on the opposite corner : 

" John, can you whip that fellow T" 

" Oh, yes !" answered John, with a laugh, not imagin- 
ing what was to follow. 

" I say," called the lecturer to the muscular idler on 
the fire-plug, " if you want a head put on you, come over 
here." 

The muscular Btranger needed no second invitation, 
but made a break for the humoi-ist and the agent, at the 



SHOW LIFE— ITS HUMOES, ADVENTUKE AND ROMANCE. 



31 



same time making use of a profane expletive. Down the 
street at a tearing rate fled the " wax-figger man," while 
the " best blood in Virginia, in a direct line from Poca- 
hontas," did his level best in trying to keep up with the 
long legs of Artemus. Behind them, snorting vengeance, 
pursued the heavy-going bruiser, who, had he caught the 
pair, would have given them such a thumping that they 
would ever recollect. Ward and Smith were too nimble 
of foot to be overtaken, and soon distanced the irate and 
insulted follower, plunging, when once out of sight, ltitj 
a basement coffee-and-cake saloon, of which a venerable 
negro dame was the proprietress. Artemus was fairly 
exploding in a perfect agony of suppressed laughter, while 
Smith was puffing, blowing and wheezing from the vio- 
lence of his foi'ced exertio.n, and wishing his rascally em- 
ployer well pummeled for his outrageous trick. 

For some time the culprits kept cover, not daring to 
venture forth, but after a while they mustered courage 
enough to crawl up the steps and dive into the first pass- 
ing carriage, which landed them safely at the hotel. 
John thanked his stars when he left Cincinnati behind 
him, and once more went ahead to announce the coming 



of a man, the like of whom there never was before and 
never will be again. Other humorists may imitate his 
style, and create a smile by the misspelling of a word, a 
chance story or poem may bring them into notoriety 
enough to make them a short-lived attraction upon the 
rostrum ; but who is there to replace the greatest of the 
''cap and bells?" 

His keen sense of the ludicrous and ridiculous, and his 
inimitable way of putting things won him a reputation 
that took him from the local's desk of the Cleveland Plain- 
dealer to the editorial chair of Vanity Fair. But, as he 
would have himself expressed it, " still he was not hap- 
py." Artemus Ward was ill placed as a maker of fun 
to order ; his fun was not to be manufactured at a pub- 
lishers bidding. His happiest sayings and writings came 
unbidden during intercourse with hail-fellows and the 
leisure -moment inspirations of the drudge-work of a 
writer upon a local journal. The liveliest and most per- 
manent recollection of Artemus Ward will be that he 
was, all-in-all, the greatest of the what I am pleased to 
term one-man SHOWS. 




IN PEESS, cmd will be published shortly, MINSTREL LIFE, a rollicking portrayal of 
the Rumors and Vicissitudes of many of the favorite Negro Minstrels of the times. 
By Charles R. Day, author of " Show Life" 



199 & 201 Centre Street, cor. Howard. 




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